And once again, i have returned to the therapy of the gods known as Xanga.  it seems at times when I should hav eth eleast to say, my mind is over flowing with snippets of pain.


Let’s go through it from friday night, shall we. It seemed like nothing much was goign to go down.  Beth was planning on going out with region friends, and the old gang was gonna party it up.  They eneded up coming here for the pre-party, then most of them left to go to the real parties.  Fortunately, Patricka nd Melissa stayed behind to chill, which meant a lot to me.  Like, they would rather chill with me then go get drunk with a lot of strangers.


The hanging out was swell, and much needed.  It included fun with cat’s and electrospheres, as well as discussions about pork.  woohoo.  then they left, i xanga’d, and then set forth a development that i have been debating on doing for a while.  I told Beth some stuff that I had been keeping inside, then i told her we would talk about it later.  This snippit was slightly referred to on my last entry, but coverd in vaguness.  ANYHOW, the plan went nicely, as i wanted to blurt and run. 


The next day, i left the scene of Ball State to go to Pauline’s wedding.  It was beautiful.  I felt so happy for P, as one of my few friends that i have held onto form my past.  It’s a mysterious place, oh yes it is.  No one really knows what i was like last year or the year before.  I could be censoring like shit.  This will come back in a second to being the focus.  ANYHOW, the reception came and Mike Kelsey sat at out table.  Now Mike was an RA last year in my dorm, and he is drop dead gorgeous.  Tan, crystal eyes, short brown hair, beefy (like muscle and a little extra to hold on to).  He is supposedly a huge jerk, but i can’t attest.  Anyhow, i wanted him al night, but of course he isn’t available to me.  Straight as a ruler.  The night continued with people from my past as Josh Brammer was also at the recption.  he was my RA freshman year, and i was totally in love him for a long time.  This came to an end when he refused to go see a musical with me cause he thought people would call it a date.  Jerk.  Hot, sweet, goofy, intellectual, jerk.  Joe McGowan was also there, and he seemed very out of place.  We were all talking about drinking whilehe talked about nothing cool.  loser.


Anyhow, we stayed a bit, drank a bit, left, went to aubs’s sister’s, smoked a bit, left, got pizza, ate a bit and slept.  After that it was home and dinner with the BAPS.  This dinner brought forth chaos.


Bethachi and Patachi argued like always and i laughed.  we started talking about xanga’s, and this is where the censor stuff comes in.  beth was saying she censors her xanga’s for a reason, i said mine aren’t very censored.  few times they are.  Then Patrick made a comment about how i can’t censor cause he has read my past in my “book” that i wrote.  The funny thing is, he never read it aside from this year, so he doesn’t really know as much as he would like to think.  they probably don’t even know who Matt Hart is, or Charlie for that matter.  Funny in a way how people so close can not know a whole year of my life.  My personal thougt is that censorship is dumb.  I have few secrets from them and i would liek to think the same in return, but i have my doubts.  For example, the other day i was awoken to them whispering in Beth’s room while i slept on the futon.  it was interesting to hear what they were saying while i wasn’t listening.  Needless to say, my eathsdropping skills were poor that day do to my just waking up, my deaf ear and the whispering.  I had to piece stuff together, about Truitt, about their relationship and about “someone who better not turn out to be gay”, lol.  i guess i am just nosey, but i am curious as to what they talk to each other about when i am not around.  I feel left out, even though it is probably stuff that isn’t my business.  Secrets are cool only if you know them.


Nothing new happened with my drop of news that i left prior to the wedding, i was glad.  I also talked to my friend Drew a bit when i got home from dinner.  I met him through Patrick, and i liked him at first, but he seemed uninterested.  Then we stopped talking for a long while, and recently we have been talking again.  And with that, i am currently talking to Patachi, giving him my take on things.  I am biased i think though, big suprise.  Well, i am done for now. I have covered all the bases except 309.  What can i say though aside from the fact that i will never truely be over him, just like everyone else.  Shetlands rock, go drink some apple juice, and then, go tell 309 he should hook up with me…..Peace Out Antelopes.

So i am gonna have to just take the rest of the year one day at a time.  This whole move to a new place has really made me think about a lot of things, both good and bad.  Lets get right down into the thick of it.


For starters there is the obvious loneliness.  I mean, i went from a social mecca to a house the has basically jus tme in it at most the times.  I mam so used to having my friends right there that it’s a hard adjustment for me to just accept that they aren’t in the room next door.  I miss them so much, just seeing them in the hall or being able to drop by there room and give a shout out.  I hate not being there for them, and I feel like i won’t be there for them if i am so far away from them.


Second is the realization of what happened.  I was just thrown out of my home of 3 years by a man who hardly knows me.  A woman who claimed to liek me supported this crap.  A friend who i thought was a good one seemed to be playing the field on both sides, supporting me leaving and staying.  I was banned for crying outloud.  It sucks, my friends are sealed up inside that huge vault that is B/C and i no longer have the combination.  it makes me upset.  not to mention i don’t know the duration of the ban.


Third is how cool i am.  I had doubts toniht while talking about my uncles who sucks, and how i paralell him on some levels, but when you get right down to it, i am pretty cool kid, not to be vain, but i take care of business and know who my friends are.  That means something, esspecially when you an pull total strangers into agreeing that you are a good person, this shows some sort of admiration from all. 


You may wonder what the real prompt of this all is, why i am dwelling on being erased from B/C.  The reason is that i have lost so many things i never realized i had.  I lost friends, i lost my convient trips to class, i lost my comfort, i lost a sock in the move.  It was endless.


Now, i’d also like to add that when you are pulled away from some things you realize how much they mean to you, and sometimes the truth bites you int he ass and you have to fess up to what you are feeling inside.  I know this makes little sense, but i can’t spill it all cause of who reads this shit.  let’s just say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it can also wake the heart and force you to realize that you had what you wanted the whole time.


Peace out Xanga-ites!!!

SO i was all paranoid that things were going to be complete hell for the remainder of the year.  i was totally wrong.  First off, i love where i am living now, it’s a lot of fun. The only bad thing is that i am so far away from all my friends.  I really miss them, and it’s hard to know what the little hollars of what up and c-ya mean until you lack them. 


On a side note, i think my computer screen is lopsided!!!


Anyway, this weekend should be a blast since it’s Pauline’s wedding and such, but enough with normal banter, lets get xanga-philiosophical style.  First off, there comes a point when you look at a friend as far more then that.  I mean this in everyway possible.  for example, i look at all my friends as a sibling at som epoint if we get close enough, it’s only normal, but that isn’t the main point yet.


The main point is that friends can be thught about as spouses, or possible lovers.  Even if there is no sexual chemistry you can observe what it could be like.  For example, my friend Bethachi.  I once spent the night wondering what it be like if i was one day just like, “hey Beth, lets date!! It would be interesting.  Jus tpictue what things would make you work as a couple, what would make you not work?  And what would that person be liek in bed?  have fun!!!

I feel like a season finale.  I have packed all my things and had my sad moments.  I have done the nostalgia bit and the crying thing.  I have planned out where I am going and what the worst outcome could be, all while I wait for a letter in my mail box that reads whether or not the appeal I requeated to live in B/C for the rest of the semester.  I hate rtating casts and I pray that this cast will finish out my junior year.  Today’s events only strengthened my need to stay as we played volley ball and I saw just how much people around here care that I may be leaving.  Total strangers were asking me how it was coming along with my petition to stay in B/C.  I have also come to the conclusion that smokers are cool.  They all took a lot of concern for my dilema and all of them want to stand up for me. 


The guys on my floor also have been incredible.  Brian Summers showed a lot of concern which touched me and even Beth’s heart throb Hot Dave (not 309) seemed exceptionally cordial this evening.  We played some “name that tune” and I really felt like a part of the floor.  Spectacular.


The day had it’s downs, like when I came to the realization that David (309) and Aubrie are perfect for each other and when I realized that some of my friends are really not my friends at all, just nosey, gossipy, attention obsessed bitches.  Also, my complications with transfering my stuff to my new home were lame, I hate when I am absent minded and have to walk back to my car 6 times.


But the big downfall of the evening was bigotry, plain and simple.  Now, Patrick was kind enough to help me in my T-Com movie tonight, and in one scene, I play an annoying announcer who gets all buddy chummy with Patrick and walks him down the hall with his arm Patricks shoulder. I guess these guys saw this and interpretted it as a “gay” thing.  It also seems Fishman (Patricks grase bag roommate) told them about a funny BAP inside joke involving tatoos on our feet.


Anyhow, these two puss sponges came by with arms around each other saying “we’re queer, we’re gonna get tatoos on our feet”.  Now, normally this sort of blunt homophobia doesn’t phase me, but this particular bash was pointed at not only me, but at a friend, a one Patrick Irish.  I felt bad, as if it was my fault that he had to endure that ridicule.  Then there was the odd silence after it happened where I felt Patrick was ashamed cause someone referred to him as “queer”.  He probably wasn’t ashamed, but the thought still crossed me. Bigotry never gets me, but this time it hit home. 

So life has sucked some incredible ass lately.  I was written up and kicked out of my dorm, given no alternative to where else i could live.  i called upon some friends from last year and was shown an emmense amount of love and care.  Taken in immediately by my old friend Tom, i was reassured that shelter would exist.  my anger climbed then as my relief set in.  My hall Directors had stabbed me in the back and my rommate had proved to be the biggest dick on the planet.


I should have been more concerned with telling my parents about my eviction, but instead, i spent my time making moments with my friends in B/C.  I can’t think that this is the end of B/C for me.  This place has meant more to me then half the people i know.  If i loose it, i will loose one of the most valueable things i have.  My friends here have been totally phenominal as well.  I even got cards from some of them, which was awesome.  The love was endless, and i saw even more support when i started a petition to help keep me in B/C. 


i had David (309) on my brain for a good part of the day.  He means so much to me, and while i mean so little to him, i can’t think of not being able to see him everyday.  Why can’t he just give a damn about me?  Why am i plagued with unrequited love?


The hardest part of the day was BAP time.  It felt like a shadow hung over us, even when Tiny Dancer came on and we huddled on the bed together.  Bethachi had tears, Patachi was fighting his, and i tried my best to hide mine.  To my BAP, i have never felt so much love and comfort in my life, and i know forever that you are my true friends no matter what.  I love you both so much that i could never describe it.  If 309 was a shetland pony who sang aimee mann and drank apple juice all day, i would still love BAP more.  I hate to think that i am abandoning my BAP and i hope to god that i can somehow keep us alive.  You two have meant everything to me lately.  Your support is phenominal.  I don’t know what i would do with out Beth’s dancing, Patrick’s Dave songs or the sound of those two arguing over silly stuff.  i love you both more then anyone, and apologize for all misdoings that may result in our degredation.


Again, i want to thank Melissa, Lindsay, Tom, Amy, Kiki, Beth and Patrick for all being there in this intense time of need.  I love you all and wish you the best luck in everything.

Oh, Xanga how i’ve neglected you.  To all my loyal readers, i owe a huge apology for the delay in a new update, so here goes my best efforts to relay the events that have taken place.


I admit that Wednesday and Thursday may have been the two most boring days of my life.  Wednesday was spent doing English papers all day.  The tedious developing of a literary artwork isn’t something to rush.  The evening turned into massive movie making.  The talents of Bethachi, Patachia nd the devine Chelsea were blended together along with a dash of Director Kevin Carnes and your truly to give birth to a montage of beauty entitled “The Real World Ball State”. 


Thursdays events were similar as i went to my three classes then proceeded to edit our movie all night from 7 till 10:30.  I suppose the night should have ended then, and me passing out from too much work, but that would have been too easy.  Instead, the gang got together for an eveing out, yes that is Thirsty Thursday.  Sam, Patrick, David, Beth, Aubrey and Lindsay all piled intothe hopptie wagon and off we went.  The party was semi-lame and an unpleasant outing with someone who used to be a friend of mine really put me into a mood of not wanting to be there.  Needless to say, the bitchy hostess was the final straw and we all took off, leaving Sam behind.  Whoops.


From here it got ghetto as the remaining 6 adventurers drove to Meijer, bought Boones Farm and proceeded to get drunk while Beth, the talented, gorgeous, phenominal, uncanny and intellectual diva, drove us aroudn muncie’s lovely country side.  This is the first time in a while that i have spent time with David (309) so it seemed inevitable that i would end up feelign the way i did.  I totally fell bak into liking him.  The infatuation continued after the main group split, a choce few of us opting to hit the bong before turning in.  I got high, which may be a first for me considering it felt a lot different then all the other times i have smoked.  The three of us crazies left keeping the party alive blazed up, got some junk food and watched Scooby Doo, then we went to bed, but not before i had time to IM David and tell him “you still rock my world”. 


My next morning involved class, recieving an A on my movie project i had recently made and going back to bed till 12:30.  it was tiring.  Then, i checked my computer to discover that David had retaliated from my previous nights comment with a spectacular “what the Fuck??”.  Finally, things are back to how they used to be.  The proceeded and Patrick introduced Beth and I to some of his friends.  This excitement of new people led to a brrage of Wally Ball and a scrumptious dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  (Happy Birthday Patachi).


The evening broke us all back up into groups as Beth went to chill with a one Amy Zandy (Regional people), Patrick chilled with his friends Emma and Lana (Carmelian people), and I chilled with David (yes 309 again, just my luck), Lindsay  and Aubs (5th floor people).  It was fun until these two jokes of life joined us (unnamed).  They sucked ass, i think dead rats are more intelligent then them.  Anyway, my night was spoiled for no apparent reason (probably the effects of the alcohol and drugs).  I came back home, made pasta, poof ate it, made more pasta, talked to Lindsay, met back up with Beth, laughed at patachi, watched some food network with Beth  and a one Ryan Earl, then went to bed on Bethachi’s futon.  What a full day!!!


Today has gotten the negative intoxicators out of my system, as i got up and schedualed classes, then went to play….yes i really played….softball.   I was obviously the best player there, taking the role of catcher.  While applying my talents of sitting and doing nothing behind the home plate, I realized the pitcher was a little cutie.  (yes he was pitching and i was catching, ha ha)The game got more interesting then.  Needless to say, if this guy attends all the games i will totally be there. 


Now my day is winding down, evening i coming to play and i can’t wait to see what the fuck happens. There isn’t much aroudn right now, so it wil most likely be lame.  Lets see if i can make some fun out thin air, shall we?

“I’ll say goodbye to love. No one ever cared if I should live or die. Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by and all I know of love is how to live without it, I just can’t seem to find it.  so I’ve made my mind up I must live my life alone.  and though it’s not the easy way I guess I’ve always known I’d say goodbye to love, there are no tomorrows for this heart of mine”


At times you have to wonder if you’re truely the person you think you are.  I can think of a lot of words people have used to describe me, but I cant truly claim any of them for myself.  Sometimes I just don’t understand why people like me at all.  I’m never particularly nice to people, I am overly critical, I am lazy, etc.


I guess this road of “Who am I” was paved by my recent loss of purpose.  I have spent the last four years of my life jumping from obsession to obsession, and right now I have no one to obsess over.  The whole 309 thing comes more and more unhinged from my life everyday, which is good because it was unhealthy, but bad because I have relied on my obsessions for my own personality.  I feel like I should put out a personal add: “Obsession needed, must have good hygene, nice eyes, killer smile and be straight.”


But the whole concept that I feel like no one without someone else is very humiliating.  To base who you are on another person and your relationship with them shows that your truly boring on your own.  I guess I am just realizing how alone I really am.  No one can really understand me because most of my history happened with a set of people that I have blocked out of my life.  Therefore, the new cast I perform with has no idea about who I have been or what I have done.  College amazes me, how strangers become your best friend and suddenly trust whatever back story fabrication you come up with.  It could all be lies for all they know, and I would be the type of person to do that.


I guess I just can’t fathom what will happen to me after this year.  I feel like I am running out of time for some reason.  Like if I don’t find what it is I’m looking for soon then I never will.  The problem is I don’t try and look for anyone to relate to.  I set myself aside as different, and while I don’t necessarily take pide in my diversity, I know without it I wouldn’t be the same.  I don’t want to meet someone like me, or maybe I do?  I have never met anyone like myself. 


I keep wishing I could know what death held, then I could debate whether or not it’s embrace would be more forth coming then the oblivion vortex I live in now.  I feel hollow now.  As if everything is gone from inside me.  I think all I really want is someone to care about me more then they care about anyone else.  I have made so many people the most important person in my life at different intervals, and as vain and needy as it is, I think what I need is to be the most important person in someone else’s life.  I want to feel like I am important.  I want to know what i am doing with myself.


The other thing that bothers me is my whole Doug dilema lately.  He is in the army, he isn’t coming home anytime soon, and all I truly want is to be with him.  This is perhaps why I have isolated myself, so that I can wait for him without the chance of loosing interest because of something serious.  What makes that scary is that even if he does come home, part of me says I will be let down yet again.  I talk about him as if I dated at one point to lots of people, but in truth he was just like every other guy I have liked.  He didn’t love me.  He isn’t gay.  He tried to comfort me sometimes, but I was never the most important person to him.


Listen to my heart beat and see if you get cold.  That is what I want to ask the world tonight.  I don’t want to feel like I always do anymore.  I want to feel like I have somewhere to go, like I have someone that needs me.  I want a purpose I guess.  I want some apple juice.