“I’ll say goodbye to love. No one ever cared if I should live or die. Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by and all I know of love is how to live without it, I just can’t seem to find it. so I’ve made my mind up I must live my life alone. and though it’s not the easy way I guess I’ve always known I’d say goodbye to love, there are no tomorrows for this heart of mine”
At times you have to wonder if you’re truely the person you think you are. I can think of a lot of words people have used to describe me, but I cant truly claim any of them for myself. Sometimes I just don’t understand why people like me at all. I’m never particularly nice to people, I am overly critical, I am lazy, etc.
I guess this road of “Who am I” was paved by my recent loss of purpose. I have spent the last four years of my life jumping from obsession to obsession, and right now I have no one to obsess over. The whole 309 thing comes more and more unhinged from my life everyday, which is good because it was unhealthy, but bad because I have relied on my obsessions for my own personality. I feel like I should put out a personal add: “Obsession needed, must have good hygene, nice eyes, killer smile and be straight.”
But the whole concept that I feel like no one without someone else is very humiliating. To base who you are on another person and your relationship with them shows that your truly boring on your own. I guess I am just realizing how alone I really am. No one can really understand me because most of my history happened with a set of people that I have blocked out of my life. Therefore, the new cast I perform with has no idea about who I have been or what I have done. College amazes me, how strangers become your best friend and suddenly trust whatever back story fabrication you come up with. It could all be lies for all they know, and I would be the type of person to do that.
I guess I just can’t fathom what will happen to me after this year. I feel like I am running out of time for some reason. Like if I don’t find what it is I’m looking for soon then I never will. The problem is I don’t try and look for anyone to relate to. I set myself aside as different, and while I don’t necessarily take pide in my diversity, I know without it I wouldn’t be the same. I don’t want to meet someone like me, or maybe I do? I have never met anyone like myself.
I keep wishing I could know what death held, then I could debate whether or not it’s embrace would be more forth coming then the oblivion vortex I live in now. I feel hollow now. As if everything is gone from inside me. I think all I really want is someone to care about me more then they care about anyone else. I have made so many people the most important person in my life at different intervals, and as vain and needy as it is, I think what I need is to be the most important person in someone else’s life. I want to feel like I am important. I want to know what i am doing with myself.
The other thing that bothers me is my whole Doug dilema lately. He is in the army, he isn’t coming home anytime soon, and all I truly want is to be with him. This is perhaps why I have isolated myself, so that I can wait for him without the chance of loosing interest because of something serious. What makes that scary is that even if he does come home, part of me says I will be let down yet again. I talk about him as if I dated at one point to lots of people, but in truth he was just like every other guy I have liked. He didn’t love me. He isn’t gay. He tried to comfort me sometimes, but I was never the most important person to him.
Listen to my heart beat and see if you get cold. That is what I want to ask the world tonight. I don’t want to feel like I always do anymore. I want to feel like I have somewhere to go, like I have someone that needs me. I want a purpose I guess. I want some apple juice.