This is how I feel right now, it’s not about what you think it’s about.  The text hold the keys:

   Leaving The Emerald City

Inside, as the vines are growing up the walls, what I see is what I want to see.  Defined just like perfect in the dictionary till the rug’s pulled out from under my feet.

And Now I aye aye aye aye, Use my eye aye aye aye ayes and I find aye aye aye ayind exactly what I mean to you

 Leaving the emerald city cause I’ve noticed it’s not as pretty as I used to always think it was. Taking my urn full of ashes and I’m leaving behind the theatrics you can, tell me goodbye just because

Remember, when I helped to make the city shine but then told that it meant nothing. I cried, then I realized that the view I’d seen, wasn’t really there, it was a dream.

I asked why aye aye aye aye, as others die aye aye aye ayed, in our siaye aye aye ayeides are the daggers you put there

 Leaving the emerald city cause I’ve noticed it’s not as pretty as I used to always think it was. Taking my urn full of ashes and I’m leaving behind the theatrics you can, tell me goodbye just because

 Chain the locks, I walk away, thinking nothing here can change. Till the one that I adored, was no longer merely doors away from me I clearly see, that just what you meant to me, Wasn’t what I meant to you, wasn’t what I meant to you

 Outside, as I see my world around me fall, pins that are hit by the bowling ball. I thought, that I’d salvage what was left of me, dust pans after cleaning wound up empty

I can’t cry aye aye aye aye, there’s no tiaye aye aye ayime, out of diaye aye aye ayimes. Can’t refill the parking meter, but I don’t want to anyway, I found a better parking space

 Leaving the emerald city cause I’ve noticed it’s not as pretty as I used to always think it was. Taking my urn full of ashes and I’m leaving behind the theatrics you can, tell me goodbye just because

THE END~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Holy shit, where do I begin?  I guess from the beginning.  It seemes like such a long time ago.  probably because it was though.  Thursday was typical, my last day of classes which went over fairly well.  I started with a dash of Memoir class where I got to read some of the piece I have been working on outloud to the class.  Everyone loved it, which made me feel proud of what I have been working on so diligently for the last few weeks (Yes, Adam does occasionally work and put time into things).  As our last day of class, most of us in there found it difficult to leave due to our emmense love for Jill Christman, our Professor. Luckily, my waiting to depart resulted in some great news.   Jill was in need of a research assistant for the summer, and she just so happened to want yours truely for the job.  I immediately jumped at the opportunity and wrote an e-mail to the intern advisor to get things set up.  Looks like I may stay in Muncie this summer.   WOOHOO!!

Leaving this took me home for a bit then to the Student Center for a little herpes.  That’s right, Herpes, the reptile exhibit.  It was really cool, and with Sko, Big Dan, and Melanie there, things rocked.  I ate a packed lunch of hotdogs and star crunch, got several free Capri Sun coolers from a give a way group, then retreated to Spanish class where I rested for a all of five minutes liostening to what would be on the final.  Then we were set free and unleashed onto the world yet again.

From here it was total chaos as I frantically had hamster dreams.  Yes, i have been plagued lately by odd hamster dreams.  I don’t get it.  Fortunately, I awoke to my alarm clock alerting me to go to Song Writing class.  What an epic this turned out to be.  My cool teacher played some songs on guitar.  Alot of people from the class played.   It was totally chill.  We then passed out class evaluations where I uncluded my signature Peter Davis is fucking HOT!!!  I have done that both times i have had him in class.  WOOHOO!!

Then it was back home to a little Survivor and a lot of Zelda.  I got a little down due to lack of people lately, I have really felt isolated from my friends is all.  I suppose it’s just cause everyone is busy with school.  I love not having lots to do school wise, but it can also lead to boredom.  Needless to say Link kept me busy while collecting Rupees and the MASTER SWORD!!!  Super Nintendo kicks ass!  I went to bed at 4:00AM and got up at 8:30 AM to go see the intern advisor.

She hadn’t e-mailed me to say she wouldn’t be there.  Her office hours were 9:00AM to 10:00AM.  She wasn’t there.  I traveled all the way a across a rainy campus to find a locked door.  Needless to say, I left a mad note on her door.  What a BITCH!!  So I made my way home to play some more Zelda only to be pulled into an adventure by the one and only Beth Harsany (gotta love Bethachi)!

Operation Fashionable FUPA went into affect as we scoured the Muncie Mall for a perfect formal dress for Beth.  Now, I must say, some girls are a bitch to shop with, but Beth is too good.  She is quick, knows what she wants, and doesn’t bullshit around.  I thought she looked beautiful in absolutely everything.  She really is gorgeous and I hope she realizes just how beautiful she is one day.  My favorite was this awesome Green/Silver dress that she said didn’t fit.  I loved it.  I can’t even begin to explain the beauty in her.  We left the mall with a sexy little black number and groovy jewlery set (after being harassed by some bitch).

I returned home to more…that’s right, more Zelda.  I made it all the way to the last two castles, then began to get myself ready for the B/C formal.  Wearing my grey/maroon pants, maroon polo, and Brick corduroy coat, I was defintely styling.  My dress for sucess didn’t work though, as I felt very out of place for some reason.  Perhaps it was the reminder that the world is full of dominately straight couples and I got tired of seeing them all dance.  Perhaps it was the fact that I wanted to have one dance with Sam, but knew he would never do that in public.  Perhaps it was the sad realization that my outfit really wasn’t that cool.  Perhaps it was seeing Patrick and Beth slow dance together, wondering when they will finally just suck it up and get together.  But most likely it was David. 

Yes, I know my last post was toally liberating myself from him, but the sad truth is that the feat didn’t fall thorough.  Instead, it all became a joke that mocked me.  Sporting black pants, blue shirt, and a dashingly bold tie free neck, I couldn’t get over how much I just wanted him to care that I was there.  Is that selfish of me?  The glint of light that reflected off his prefectly placed silver belt hook flashed into my eyes and made the heart break once again.  Life suddenly sucked a lot.  It didn’t help to see him slow dancing with Aubrie either.

I held on to a few threads of hope as I danced and had tons of fun with Stacey, Kinder, and Sko (who all looked so beautiful), but continually was knocked down by seeing friendship failures like Joe McGowan and the hall directors.  Anway, we all left, I remained calm, until the walk home.  Myabe it was the obvious splitting off, the gang getting in cars, me being the poor kid on his walk home and not saying goodbye in hopes of avoiding the embarassment of people saying “AAWW, I wish he could sneak back into B/C”.  I sang to myself, some Aimee Mann suicide letter song and a bit of “All By Myself”, which caused me to break down and sit on the curb and cry.  Life suddenly became so cold.  I think the realization of how alone I always feel hit me. 

I made it home, waiting for some sort of connection with anyone.  The gang had said plans were in the making, but it seemed like an eternity of listening to my saddest music alone in my room before I heard from anyone at all.  When I finally did, it was Seth.  He listened to me for a bit, I rambled about how miserable I secretly am and he made me feel alright.  My phone rang and Patchi invited me to IHOP, but I declined.  Seth said I should go, so I decided to take his advice.  I drove over and chilled, having fun with Sko, Beth, and Sam but feeling non-exsistent aside from them for the most part.  David sat directly at the other end of me, so I was facing his perfectness for the duration.  I left feeling blue, slightly cheered up by a Squaler outburst.  Someone had called us Prom goers and Lindsay shouted that it was NOT the prom, we were in college, and that college is a good thing.  it was hillarious.

I returned home to Seth cheering me up over AIM and talking with my stuffed shetland Kiki.  I went to bed only to be awoken the next afternoon at 2:00 by stupid birds chirping.  How rude!  I called Stacey and started getting ready for my next dance.  I was going to the Phi Mu formal.  I presented myself in a black and blue ensemble.  Stacey and I rushed to catch our limo and almost died on the way there in a car collision.  I didn’t use my mirror, oh well, no one was hurt.  We made it just in time to get the limo.

Stacey looked hot in her magenta dress, which made the evening great.  It really was a good time, with good food.  Nikki and her boyfriend attended as well, so it was photos galore.  I think the best part was me trying to finish off the whole 8-person serving of roast beef they gave us.  The evening came to a close relatively early at 10:30, so I stole a sign reading “Room Capacity 400” and bolted back into our limo.  Stacey and I parted, I changed and reurned to B/C to what would become the best night of my life.

Sporting my mechanic shirt, faded jeans and black shoes, myself, Sko, Squaler, Geoff, Mrs.Geoff (abbey) and some other kid all hoped into the caddy and headed for a block party.  What we found was the coolest front porch ever!!  To the rest of the groups dismay, Sko and I refused to leave.  We chilled, I drank beer from a cup i purchased from someone named Worm.  The adventure got better when the rest of the group (who had been sitting in the car pissed off at us) got up and left for a new party.  We stayed behind.  Suddenly Aubs, Beth, Patrick and David (309) arrived to chill with Sko and I, though Aubs was tempted and left with Squaler. 

It really heated up now as the hillarious funny Chris did impressions, and Alex cracked us up with her Brett Butler-esque comedy.  She rocked.  Some guitar was played and Sko and I danced on a ledge, I almost fell.  I had drank 3 beers, some Toffe shit, and some Vodka.  It got better when we started up on the Keg Stands.  David won with 16 seconds, I hit 14 seconds, and I think Patrick got 10.  Chris got dropped, it was funny yet sad.  Anyway, it slowly died out and our gang left Chris and Worm to chill with the missing Squaler and Co. 

We found a jamming party with an awesome band.  Sam was there as well with Pete Felix.  Anyhow, the beer was flowing and I was jamming till it got too hot.  I went outside and saw a fight break out only to be busted up shortly.  I peed then tried to find my crew, but couldn’t.  i walked to the back of the house to see them inside a window, which I immediately climbed inside.  Geoff was cracking me up and stealing Jello shots.  I downed 10 right off the bat, and about 10 more through out the next 20 minutes.  Brad was there as well, he lives in B/C and used to work the front desk till he was unjustly fired.  Anyway, this is important because I made a comment about naked guys and he gave me high five for it.  I didn’t think about it till recently, but that was odd. 

So, I hopped in and out the window, Beth, Squaler, Sam and Pete left, David spilt beer, Sko abd Patrick bought some magic, David was hot, David had allergies, David was drunk, I wanted David, Aubrie stole me some more Jello and David became hotter after I ate Jello.  It began dying down and we all jumped up to leave.  I grabbed the whole tray of shots (around 40 i imagine) and bolted.  The street was littered, the people ate my free shots and the some shirtless guy got pissed off.

He was the bands drummer and said his friend lived in the house and I shouldn’t have stolen her shit.  I ate about 6 more then threw the tray to him and walked off.  Cool!!  Brad, Aubs and David were paranoid and began walking off, I went to my car and David followed while Aubs and Brad waited for the rest of the crew to exit the party.  david and I, alone, walking to my car,  I was in lust and wanted to freeze time and keep it inside glass globe. No luck though.

I moved the car to the party block and then stumbled around looking for people.  The cops were there and Aubs and I and David and Brad headed back to B/C.  Melissa’s group had gone to look for the moved car and got split from us.  I eventually got us all situated then walked us back to the car. Patrick, Melissa and I were all the group comprised.  Aubs and Brad were soon found.  They hoped in, i was going nuts, being a contortionist and half way passing out.  Then we found David and i passed out against him.  He struggled to get me off him.  I was upset, but enjoyed the attention anyhow.  Pathetic.  I wanted to go get high with Brad and David and Aubrie for some reason, oh well.  I did not.

Instead, Sko took those three to B/C where they got Brad’s car.  Pat and Sko drove me home and waited for the remaning crew to pick them up.  The scene was outside me house, I grabbed a stray cat and took it inside to play with, fed it milk.  Sko seemed stressed, Pat laughed at the cat, I was fucked up.  I  kissed Patrick!!  Just on the cheek though, luckily.  I could have seriously fucked up the frienship.  I did not.  the others arrived and whisked Pat and Sko away.  I was once again alone.

Inside, I founf IMing people’s away messages to be entertaining.  I IMed David and told him I still loved him and that I was horribly sorry for it.  I IMed the Brent kid and told him he was gay.  I IMed Seth and thanked him for saving my life on friday night.  I IMed Stacey and told her she rocked.  Then I passed out in my bed.  Beautiful!!

I awoke and chilled to some Aimee Mann.  I played Zelda, beat half of the last castle.  Almost there!! I took a huge nap with Aimee in the background.  Had a quick visit from Pat, Kinder and Squaler and presto, i am writing a Xanga and chatting with Seth and Megan.  Life is good. 

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have real emotions.  Yes it’s true, my heart and mind are void of anything real, only figments of illusion that will provide my audience with adequate descriptions they can use to gossip about me.  Lets look at the fact that I have come up with to get to this ridiculous conclusion which I am sure I will take back tomorrow.

1) David aka 309 means about as much to me as the brand of tampon your mom uses.  I mean really, I haven’t seen him in the last week and WHAT A SUPRISE, my life is still the same.  It didn’t get worse or better, proving that he is pointless to me, and my “love” for him is based on the fact that I wanted people to say “Adam, you are crazy and always in love with straight guys” or “sorry, i am not gay adam”.   I wanted to be able to write about heart break and angst, so I make heart break.  In real life, I know nothing about David aside from his smoking habit being lame, he is good looking to me, and he is a computer science major.  The rest of the stuff I know I probably heard from someone else or he told me when he was high, so it doesn’t count.  309, please, try habit of mine. 

That’s aboout it.  I guess.  For that subject, lets move on to why i realized this.  His name is Seth, and he lives in Colorado.  He is madly in love with my friend Megan.  I have been talking to him lately online, and he is one of the coolest people I have ever met.  I like him way more then I like David, and I have never even had a person to person conversation with him.  Come to think of though, when was the last time I had an interesting conversation with David face to face?  NEVER, he is barely even my friend.  He doesn’t even know who I am aside from the fact I drive a lot of us around every weekend.  You know, if some crazy chick was all up on my nuts, I would at least become her friend if she was funny and cool.  I am funny and cool, I know this cause I am goign to make a t-shirt that says so. 

See what I am getting at people?  Mabe you do, maybe you don’t, there are lots of little connections here I am not touching for reasons you should be able to figure out if you are smart, if you’re not smart then bite me.  There is stuff on my mind today. RANDOM THOUGHT: I have previewed next year and found out who gives a shit about me by seeing who has come to see me here at my house or tried to initiate a luncheon date.  So, onto the normal shit, here’s what i did today:

-got up, took a huge poop, went to memoir class, critiqued my friend Natalia’s paper, came home, talked to Seth, ate hotdogs at B/C with the crew, went to spanish, took a nap, went to song writing, came home, went to a banquet i wasn’t invited to, came home, talked to Seth, foudn a cool webpage, talked to Seth, visited with Patachi and Lindsay and then talked to Seth again.- 

Anyway, I am done.  Thanks for nothing David (though you didn’t owe me anything to begin with so what is my problem).  Thank you Seth for being totally Jawsome CRUNCH!!!  Thanks cool friends for hanging with me still and GO TO HELL STUPID BIRDS WHO KEEEP POOPING ON MY CAR!!!!

i realize my lack of updates this past week, it’s cause i was at home with no computer, sorry bout that.  It turned out to be a really weird weekend.  I just thought about too much too fast.  It started Thrusday when i went home to puzzle building with Megan and chilling with her for a bit.  This turned into an overnight event, followed by a day of sleeping on friday.

Friday night was highly emotional, as I watched the start of a very depressing movie called “The Good Girl”.  I thought i was gonna die.  I fled in terror and began prophosizing about death to myself and getting all depressed and psyched out.  this was slightly remedy by a run in with my pal barb, but then driven worse when i heard Journey (a Doug band) in the car.  Life sucked that night.  I watched One Hour photo and cried thinking my life is so empty emotionally.  It isn’t really, but it was a mood.  I saw myself stalking people when i was older, dreamign that they cared about me.  What else is new?  Can you say 309?

Saturday was job searching time and party night.  Job searching was boring, i wanted to die.  The party was awesome at Megans, but this 48 year old was all about me when he got drunk and it made me scared and uncomfortable.  I fled in terror.  Ont he plus side, there was a former male stripper there who danced for me. 

My sister was around this weekend.  She rocks, and she is so strong and cool.  I LOVE AMBER!!!!

Anyway, sunday was back to BSU and more nothingness.  my life is becoming lame, I wish i had something good to hold onto.  I mean, i know friends are there and all, but it’s a craving for something deeper then that, like, i want to spend a night just talking for hours to people.  I love those talks.  i miss heather, she was good at those.  I miss Doug, he makes me think and want to be alive.  i’m holding onto reality from a thread of dental floss.

So this is going to be brief, but I hope i get m point across well this time.  After looking over my last entry being talked to by two people involved in it, it appears to me that i may have come across as unclear at some parts.  For the record, my time at Purdue wasn’t utterly unbareable in every aspect.  It was fun to see my cousin Lindsey, and I was greatful that she let me come spend time with her even though I was a broke ho.  I had a good time while I was with her and enjoyed catching up with her and seeing where she lived.  I would also like to note that Beth’s meeting with Rob wasn’t about me, but about in general.  I knew this, and thought I had made it clear in my entry, but I guess not.  I am not mad at Beth and she hasn’t shunned me from her life or anything, she hasn’t changed who she hangs outwith, just what she does when hanging out.  I love both Beth and Lindsey very very much, and Iam publicly falling to my knees in search of forgivenes from both of you for not writing clearly.  Sorry girls!!

(On a side note I would like to add that I could have jut edited my previous post, but felt inclined not to do to my training in writing where I have learned never to change what you have written at the request of the people who you wrote about.)

WHAT A MIXED UP WEEKEND!!! It all starts on Friday where I randomly join Beth and her roommate for a trip to Purdue.  I had planned on a fun adventure, but wound up with a rather dull night.  The car ride was nausiating as I listened to rap music over and over and got my hair messed up by two hours of constant wind.  I did see some Shetlands on our way there though!! Upon arrival at the home of the Boilermakers (honestly, what the fuck is that?) I joined Beth in dorm jumping.  

Our first stop was with a really good looking drum player named Nick, I did my best to talk and seem fun while amongst the strange hot guy (wore a tight shirt, jeans that made his ass look good, was well groomed and had a very clean room = suspect), but it seemed pointless.  He was cute though.  After looking through a photo album and watching a little Aerosmith Beth and I left for a new dorm.  Our destination would be Tarkington, where we met up with a lot of guys who were fun, but not my type at all. 

After a few bits, my cousin Lindsey showed up to whisk me away to waht was to be a fun time.  We wound up goign to a park with her Pugg named O’Kello, explored her garage, went to dinner at O’Charley’s and then watched Reality Bites with her roommates.  The movie was good, but I got really tired and went to bed only to be awaken the next morning early in order to go to “The Triple X” for breakfast (a diner, not a porn shop).  It was good, then I left to attend Bug Bowl, which was gross, as it was a bug themed science fair basically. I was forever scarred when one girl working the “bowl” put a huge roach on my back without me knowing.  I mean huge, like the size of my hand.  AAAAAHHHH.  it was removed, i fled and went to the animal barns outside to look for a Shetland, but found none.

At this point i re-hooked up with Beth and her roommate and drove home, slept in the car, more rap, then had an odd moment with Beth where I felt like she was giving be the vibe of “why are you here again?”  probably just in my head though. I was dropped off at home.

After a quick shower, I was off to B/C where I met Pat and Beth for frisbee, Beth left before we started and Sko came to play.  After cathcing up on our adventures (mine of Purdue and theirs of a Ben Folds concert that they went to with Daivd (309!!), we climbed trees, frisbeed then disbanned again.  I played some Volley Ball with stranger, then went home, changed and returned to B/C to pick up my friends.

Sko, Pat, Jessie (pat’s girl), Squaller and Beth all pile dint he hooptie mobile and went to ….. a Drag Queen Show.  I felt very out of place amongst all the gay people, most likely because I am nt well known amongst them.  The show was cool, but I felt lame.  These people are proud of who they are, something I am really not.  I don’t like being gay, I just deal with it.  These people love it.  I guess I was jaded by how they all knew each other and I was a stranger.  No wonder I am always single.

We left the show and disbanded again.  I went home and ate cookies and talked to … David!!  He was in Indianapolis for the night.  I teased him a bit and talked to him about his weekend so far and just had a nice little chat.  I was charmed, he’s my favorite guy around lately!! Too bad he isn’t into me.

Our group met back up and went back to last weeks house on Gilbert where Lindsay macked on this guy there, Patrick got wasted off his ass and sat on the couch with his eyes rolled into his head, Jess took care of Patrick, and Sko and I left phone messages for her friends.  Woohoo.  We left Lindsay, dropped off Patrick and Jess and Sko and I went to IHOP. 

We talked about a lot of cool stuff, the two of us.  David and Aubrie came up and how I am so in love with David and Aubrie is always so high with David.  We also talked about Beth and I a bit.  It isn’t that I am mad, just irritated.  She is going to be an RA next year, and she was given a warning from Rob (evil hall director who kicked me out of B/C), about how she needed to watch her image.  In other words, Beth was told to not hang out with me cause they think I am the devil. I feel like Beth doesn’t want to hang out with us because they told her not to, but that’s somewhat odd.  It’s the concept of standing up for yourself maybe?  and they picked her for reasons, she chilled with us before.  I feel like i am a burden on her career now.  I HATE ROB AND JULIE!!!  I also feel liek Beth woul scarifice her friend for her job sometime, i know she wouldn’t deep down, but the coice is being put in front of her.  And i understand her spot, it’s a big job, big deal, and she needs the break in the bill.  it’s just complex.

Anyway, IHOP had adventures with Martin, this scary Texan and a drag queen, i also saw old friends there who made me glad to have left them behind.  We left eventually and went home, i went to bed.

The next day was hardcore softball supporting (i am not good enough to play apparently).  anyway, the pictcher, Judd, is so cute.  I think he’s great, and he’s funny and sweet.  Maybe i’ll hit on him, then probably get punched, COOL!!!  After this, i moved to Volley Ball with the crew, including DAVID!!! He looked gorgeous as usual.  From there it went to washing my car and then now.  Ok, Caught up. 

Summary: Purdue sucked, Things with Beth are odd, Sko is becoming tight with me, IHOP is crazy fun, Judd is spectacular, my car is clean, and i am FAR from over David.  Damn!

Well, till next time, you know the drill, juice, ponies, 309!!