So i never though that an AIM chat room would have the power to make me need to Xanga, but i was ultimately wrong.  It started as a joke, I invited my whole social circle into one chat and it blew up in my face leaving me pondering so many different issues that i wanted to barf all over my keyboard.

For starters, i looked down my list at who i wanted to invite.  i didn’t want to invite everyone.  this realization in itself said something to me.  Later, I was called cliquey by Chelsea because i made a comment about BAp only time.  It was rude i admit, but i just wanted to have solo BAP time.  Anyway, this concept of blocking people from stuff arose and made me think a lot.

my second rant was inspired by a one Hot Dave.  I made some comments to him, joking comments with sexual nature, and people flipped out.  I hardly was thrilled.  Something inside me screamed and died i think.  I mean, i watch straight sex all teh time int he media, i see straight couples everyday, but if straight people see a gay couple it’s a big deal.  Ugh, go choke on a spork straight people!!!  that’s what i felt like when it all went down.

Thrid was my questioning about Cody, Dave’s roommate.  Why was i questioning this?  I don’t know him.  It’s proxemity, and that bothers me, like i would settle cause he is close by.  Ridiculous.  I hate me.

4th is sayign that i could have sex with a girl.  I think i could at least, and if it was a friend i think it would be more comfortable.  I could be me more easily and not be paranoid.  This concept made me whince in fear, cause i don’t want to have sex with a girl, but the notion was out there cause of my words.

5th is Beth.  I miss her so much and feel like i am not there for her.  She says it makes her stronger to go through stuff alone, but that’s just hog wash.  I really wish she would let me in, i just want to be her leaning post when her legs are weary.  I LOVE BETHACHI!!!

6th is David.  I made a comment about Shetlands, apple juice, and 309 of course, and he said “oh god” or something and left the chat.  BARF!!  I was enraged, why do i get so easily dismaye dby his pointless words?  I don’t get it.  David’s words are nothing more then anyone elses, yet they stab me like hot knives so easily. 

i think that’s it really, short rant, but highy necessary.  In short, Straights, David, and my lonliness drive me crazy.  I miss Beth, and now Kyle Truitt probably thinks i am crazy and i am probably just pushing hot dave into homophobia.  One day i will be cool.


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