Am I really expected to know where I want to go next?  In a world where it seems you can prosper and become a star, make it and be just another anyone or gamble it and fall on your ass, it seems proposterous that I am expected to know what I want to do, where I want to go or even how I am going to get there.  I have spent the last 4 years of my life learning about Telecommunications and how the media is such a powerful tool that manipulates and conquers teenage america so they can be molded into whatever the people with money and control over censorship want.  I don’t want to be a part of that.  But I don’t want to be a liberal who sits around and bitches about what’s going on, coming up with daft paranoid thoughts and overly insightful bullshit that may make sense but in the long run doesn’t matter.  That’s not what life should be about.  I just want to be happy and write and sing and watch movies and critique people and so on and so on, but being me wasn’t a major when I signed up at Ball State.  I guess what I am tryign to say is I don’t know what my life has amouned to.  I have friends, I have my my own art, I have things that I enjoy doing, but no one cares about those things.  Everyone cares about what I can do for them and their company.  While this idea isn’t wrong, I just don’t feel like I belong in a world where I am working to fulfill someone elses dreams. Work my way to the top and create my own dreams you say?  Then how am I gonna be any better then the adversary I was battlign int he first place?  This makes no sense, I know it doesn’t, but I just want to not think about it anymore.  I want to go to grad school and become an english professor, but I can’t do that because I don’t have money to go to grad school.  Grants?  Loans?  I don’t want to spend my life in debt.  It just seems like there aren’t answers out there for me right now.


One thought on “

  1. Anonymous says:

    adam .. most grad schools pay for you to go there. Like you would work as an assistant instructer and they will pay your way. A lot of programs like that are out there.


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