Everyone else’s Xanga’s are so inspirational when I read them, but mine are just getting plain chaotic. So yesterday I talked to my little sister online for a good bit. I haven’t been home or spoken to and of my family (except my dad once on the phone) in almost a month. Do I feel guilty about this? Not really. They haven’t contacted me either, and I don’t see any reason to burden them with my problems. When it comes down to it, I’m just not that big on the value of family. My friends have become more my family to me. I think maybe I set this up on purpose. I am never gonna have kids, I am never gonna have a huge family of my own, so I figure I need to improvise, put friends first, that way I have them later in life. My friends are my family.

This weekend provided me with some common sense I guess. He’s not into me. Now, I could rely on this silly book that anyone with a vagina is talking about (see Beth’s recent Xanga’s to get my point). But I’m sorry, any book called “He’s just not into you” is too derogatory. It belittles and doesn’t let hope or love exist. Screw that. I am gonna keep fighting the good fight in hopes of at least making a really good friend if nothing else.

I would liek to report that my usage of illegal substances is way down. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I am not even wanting to do it now just because I have been doing well without it. Maybe I am just kidding myself, but I think I’ve been in a good mood as of late. Or at least better then before. Nothing has really changed about me though, except that I have met someone I like a lot and I have stopped excessive smoking. So I think those two things combined just lifted my spirits.

This wednesday is Geoff’s birthday. Mr.Mouse, be there or be square, but don’t get drunk and screw around on a bathroom floor. Peace out dudes.

POST ENTRY!!   -chilled wiht Wilson and discussed Rod Stewart (creepy) – saw my old neighbors new house – drank some beers there – Wilson got her nose pierced at Dragon Slayer – Drank more beer at Drew’s house – got some Beer Pretzels at the gas station – had another beer at Drew’s, and then went tailgating – walked around and saw people – shout out to Keith and Sarah and Princess who were at tailgating – Found the one and only Schuyler with her hottie boyfriend Mike – Bumped into the craziest trio ever, Sarah Megan and Anna – drank  a lot of beer – left tailgating in a random car with random people who Megan knew – peed in Megan’s front yard – went with Sarah and got some Arby’s (and some smelly chick was at the register)  – promised Anna I’d sleep with her later, but then foudn her with another man in the front lawn – walked back to my place – Hi Beth, Hi Shaun.  Keep dancing to Christina kids, I love you both. I was crackin’ up at the thought of it, and Shaun was kind of cute.  and any guy who dances for over an hour to Christina Aguielera in an empty house is at least questionably gay (but i think he hates me) – took a nap and chatted with Jared online – got invited to a Keggar down at Neely house – walked down to Neely, Hi Liz, Hi Jessie – drank some beer and felt depressed about Jared not liking me for a bit – drank a LOT of beer really fast to deal with the depression – who is this hot guy in the white t-shirt? – played some flippy cup and Team Shetland was obviously the best – who rocked out to Zeppelin?  This guy – time for Volley Ball!!! I love Neely’s light up V-ball net!! – Team Shetland lost, damn, DUMP! – BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER – WEED with Eric and Rae, played with Phoebe the guinea pig (I love her!!) – at this point it was just random ramblings, mingling, DRINKING and of course Zeppelin! – more Volley Ball – Why are Bruce and Jessie in a kiddie pool with warm water alogn with soem girl named Naomi? – Is the Lindsey Kinder at Neely?  I love that girl – beer time kids – Shelby and Liz kissed, i saw it!! – this place wa getting crazy really fast.  – SMOKE – DRINK beer.  – AWESOME!! Jared showed up with Erka, Lola, and Brian Wilson!! – Something pissed me off and I did a keg stand, drank three glasses of beer in three drinks and went off to dance with someone – played with the new dog Kaminsky! – Chatted with Jack and his boyfriend Matthew – Jared looked hot, i was glad he came – I was gettign sleepy,  so i sat down on the futon – Jessie cuddled with me and we held hands, lol!!  I think someone was mad about it – Went back outside, Jared was still there, i was glad. – Finish that keg kids!!! – Jared and Adam walked home together and i tried to be flirtacious, but i have no game – Jared wasn’t interested, he went home – came inside and talked to Kinder (she was naked). –  Went to fucking bed. – SO I drank from 4:00pm – 5:00am with two half hour naps.  Thanks guys, this weekend was awesome, even if no one else ever slept in my bed

OK, this is the pre-entry folks.  I am about to embark on an incredible journey.  It’s one that many men have tried and few have remembered.  It’s called the Power Hour.  My fridge is currently stocked with 30 Keystone Light Cans (not for me), 12 Budweiser cans and 12 Budweiser Bottles.  The contestants for tonights Power Hour include myself, the ever amazing Bruce Fane, the pint sized Joshy-poo, the ever charming Jared, Lola/Lauren, Erka, and someone else who I don’t really know.  I’ll fill you on who she is at the post-entry.  After the Power Hour it’s off to a party at Raechel’s, then who knows what will happen.  C-ya after i’m intoxicated!!

ugh, time for a Xanga.  I have spent the last few hours studying for my huge PR test tomorrow.  It’s insane, but I think I’ll do alright.  I feel like this semester has been crapping homework on me non-stop.  It’s liek as soon as I finish one assigment there is another one on my back.  Lets just hope I can keep up.  Today was failry average, read comics, went to work (where I finished EVERYTHING there was to do there and just sat around forever), ate Wendy’s, Roller Bladed with Linds.  The skate was awesome, not only because it gave me someone to talk to about all the stuff that’s been going on with me, but Linds is the best listener and then we sit and analyze at the end and figure out what to to do with these messes we find ourselves in.  I love her to death and I hope she realizes how important our skate dates are.


     I have felt somewhat bad lately cause I’ve felt spread to thin amongst my social circles.  Maybe it’s the school work, or maybe it’s that I am trying not to smoke so much, but whatever the case, I just hope no one feels like I have dropped them.  Short little blurb, I know, but i gotta get back to studying.


– Wishing is for those who will never have what they want-

SO I am back again.  Not because I really have anymore news, but because it feels good to just sit here and vent and realese what I am feeling.  God, i have to graduate in a few months, which is just plain terrifying.  I am not good at anything but socializing, and for some reason I don’t think that’s something the job market is looking for.  I guess I haven’t looked really hard into the job industry which is my problem.  I am going to the career center this week to sign up for some interviews, but who knows what will happen with that.  I can say for myself that I am all caught up with my school work.  I guess that’s better then nothing huh?


   I think I have been stressed out lately, and my way of releasing stress is to sing in the shower.  At least I get clean right?  Anyway, I was busting up some notes yesterday, but my song selection was insane.  Here’s what I sang…..Lisa Loeb – Stay.  Melissa Ehteridge – Only One.   Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You.   Adam Moschell – Cheshire Cat (gotta practice my own songs, lol)   Oasis – Champagne Supernova.   Elton John – Tiny Dancer.   Elton John – Rocket Man.   Dashboard Confessional – Vindicated.   Dashboard Confessional – Again it goes unnoticed.  Saves the Day – At Your Funeral.   Green Day – Waiting.    Sheryl Crow – Anything But Down.   Barenaked Ladies – One Week.   and then the finale was Eagles – Wasted Time.   That’s a alot of singing.

So I guess things are back to normal for me. I hate when I loose control of reality and become something I am not. I don’t like to loose control and be extra optimistic over nothing, but that’s what I always do. And while I don’t think I am a total crab of a person in general, I do think that I am just more comfortable expecting the worst, which is a little sad in itself.

So I haven’t talked to my parents in over two weeks. Our last meeting was when I went home for my dad to check out my car and all he had to say to me was that my hair was too long. Screw that. It’s not that I don’t care about my parents, and it’s not that they don’t care about me, it’s just that we live in two entirely different worlds and they have never tried to take a look at where I am or who I am for that matter. In my management class I get so pissed cause all of our assignments include sections where you have to talk about your family and your relationships with them. Well, I don’t have much of a relationship with my family because they haven’t wanted one. They don’t care about what’s going on with me. Or at least they don’t convey that care. Most people have parents who they talk to several time a week. I have been at college for 4.5 years and my parents have never called me to ask how my day was or how things are going. They call if they need me to come home and they call if it’s about money. That’s all.

People often wonder why I come across as harsh, tough, bitter or uncaring. I have been emotionally alone since middle school. That’s how I feel. And so yeah, maybe I do get excited about loosing that solitary prison, but wouldn’t anyone?

Moments


I can’t think of any moment
When the world would stop at last
and let me see there’s something more
to live for then the past.


My sarcasm is halted
momentarily loose my savoir faire
just from knowing who you are
and feeling something rare.


And if by chance I fall asleep
I know you’ll still come by
the moment you smile, I smile
and the rest belongs to you and I.


So can I be this forward
can I tell you how I feel
this may take a moment
it’s been so long since I’ve been real.