Sprry Xanga readers, i’m out of material for now.  Give me a day or two.


people are always doing quizes/surveys online.  I think everyone should make up their own and have other people answer the questions about them.  Would you participate?

A Few Changes

So where has everyone gone?
No one wants to be around me anymore
and it’s not that I’m alone, it’s that I’m missing
certain someone’s, so I’m bored
And did I push it away?
I know that I can be insane on nights
when my thirst is frightening
and I’m sorry I can’t be what’s expected of me
but then again, no one’s given me credit
to be able to change, and would it be a shame?

But I guess I see what people see
when they say there’s something wrong with me
so I’ll try if you want me to change
and I’ll try to arrange myself
just like I’m suppose to be

and you call me by my last name
though no one’s done that before
and you always have this smile
when you walk through the door
cause you know I’m glad to see you there
because it makes me tear away
from my usual day
and you act like a pro
when ever there’s an audience to show
and you think that I don’t pay attention
but all my symptoms
are clear as day
so call me out already and say

I just think that you’ve gone mad
dreaming wonderlands where you can have what’s had
and you think that if a little booze will make me woozy
I could be there, all for you
but I never will, I never will, I never will
I’m just glancing past it all,  he never will

and he’s smarter then I want him to be
he could take me out and just dispose of me
but he keeps me around
like some entertainment found
and I’ll do whatever he think he needs
because it makes me tear away
from my boring day
and I don’t want you to go
but you know that I know
that I don’t expect you to stay
I just expect you to say

I just think that you’ve gone mad
dreaming wonderlands where you can have what’s had
and you think that if a little booze will make me woozy
I could be there, all for you
but I never will, I never will, I never will
I’m just glancing past it all,  he never will

and I’m lying to my eight ball
asking questions that aren’t fair
it’s like taking some identity
of someone whose not there
so I’ll make fabrication
cause it’s all that’s left I can do
until you speak your line
until I hear from you

I just think that you’ve gone mad
dreaming wonderlands where you can have what’s had
and you think that if a little booze will make me woozy
I could be there, all for you
but I never will, I never will, I never will
I’m just glancing past it all,  he never will


I could be everything that you need
If I could change but still be me
and if you saw things differently
I’d be compelled to try

If the colors just weren’t there
then we’d match like a perfect pair
but there’s a darker thought inside
when that thought crosses your mind

and we talk in a joking manner
you may notice that I never laugh
because it all may be in simple fun
but I just can’t get past

admitting some things are impossible
admitting that I know what is the truth
knowing something are impossible
knowing there is nothing I could do
to make a change, to get my way
to be able to see you every time I wake
admitting some things are impossible
is something I could never do.


 So I’ve tried to tell myself that I’ve got to quit dreaming
 But something inside just tells me that’s all wrong
 Cause in this world it’s just fighting, bitching, screaming
 So what is it good for, why do these dreams even belong
 And I guess that theres a medium, believing what’s defeating you
 Can one day leave you alone.

CHORUS: And I really want to say that these thoughts won’t stay
  around for very much longer, but then my mind wanders
  and I really want to do, something about my problems
  but my answers lie, in some other time, and I guess for now
  I’ll just try to figure something else out.

 Do you ever prepare speeches that your never gonna say
 I guess they’re good for analyzing what you feel inside
 But what if I start talking and telling you my way
 Of getting through is by letting you in from outside
 I guess that some will just ignore, that burning, yearning need for more
 And one day maybe it will leave me alone.


 So it’s one more beer, it’s the remedy of the year
 Although it’s answers just don’t match up with the key
 Can I just move on and say, I’m glad I tried this anyway
 or will I feel like I should stay and try, try, try again.


and I guess I don’t need answers, I’ll just keep on keeping on
I guess I don’t need answers, and maybe one day I’ll leave you alone.


Different Days

 I never thought I’d want you not to be there
 I guess now that it’s happened you don’t care
 I know it’s not what I want, but when have my wants mattered
 I guess I just feel something isn’t fair
 And I don’t want an answer, I can deal with bittersweet
 But just so you know I won’t stop being me

CHORUS: And I’m angry at tomorrow, cause I know it comes everyday
  And I’m sorry for my yesterday, cause it was a lie cause it was fake
  And I’m looking, what’s around me?  What do I have for today?
  And it’s something that I never thought I’d see in all my days.

 You look good now, I’ll give you that much
 But apparently I’m far less then before
 Cause you haven’t stopped complaining about my personality
 And I just think, well what was the past for?
 You don’t know me now, I can deal with bittersweet
 Just don’t start pretending that things are fine with me


 What is missing now, I’m trying to find out what went wrong
 So I’m drawing maps and circles, and I’m writing all these songs
 But the questions, lead to question, that have questions at their tales
 And I know that all my thinking is just wasted on some scale


So tonight I talked about a lot of interesting things with my friends.  I don’t know why, but for some reason these issues all kept striking a nerve with me.  For starters, we discussed how the university president is jewish and how she may or may not have an opposition to decorating the campus for christmas.  I think this is totally bogus.  I don’t care if she celebrates the holiday or not.  For starters, if she wants to put up a menora or something all over campus, then she should.  That’s cool too.  But so is a Christmas Tree.  Second, the christmas holiday has to do with religion and the last time I looked there wasn’t silver and gold bulbs or ice skating snowmen in the bible.  No, these decorations are more to celebrate a holiday spirit and a festive feeling that units friends and family for one night of the year.  Stop being a scrooge and stop making issues out of decorations whench.

     Secodn on my rant for the night is the future.  We talked a little bit about how we think of an age when our generation will have kids.  I mean, the average seems to be up from what it was like for our parents, but what age is it good to have children?  Well, some said 30, some said 35.  I said I didn’t want a baby, just a little kid who would be fun and talk to me and be a person.  Then I was informed my kid wouldn’t live that long cause they’d end up drowned, missing, or playing in the oven.  Well, who knows. But then I got into thought about it, and I figured I’ll probably never have kids anyway so I shouldn’t worry.  It was sort of a sad thought, cause kids create your family.  I don’t really have family cause I’ve distanced myself from my own.  My friends ARE my family.  I guess that’s why they are so important to me.

      Next we talked about scolarships for athletes.  Now while I don’t really give a damn about sports, I do think they are necessary in today’s university society, just because of the predispositioned attitude we have towards sports.  It is sad that someone gets free schooling cause they can knock someone down, and not because they are really smart.  But then again, maybe it’s just that the really smart kids don’t go to Ball State.  Their scholarships take them to good schools.  At any rate, I am not smart or athletic so I get nothing.

     Last but not least, I was possed with a debate someone had in class.  If someone buys their male child a G.I. Joes, but also an easy bake oven and a vaccum, does that make them have a better chance at being gay?  I think this is ridiculous.  I think being gay is a chemical embalanced triggered by heightened emotional periods in which females are who you learn to cope from.  Just a thought.  At any rate, I found it funny that someone asked me this to my face, not because it was rude or anything, but just because people don’t usually come up to you and say “Oh Adam, why are you gay?”  Like I know. 

   All I know was that I found myself in deep thought on a number of issues and I felt really alone about things.  Also, the mention of V-Cards (which I am a card carrier) made me slightly aggitated.  I am 22, why have I never dated?  And why am I constany giving all emotional attachment to guys who just aren’t going to give it back?  I hate it.  I hate that I am imcapable of being realistic.  But why should I have to be?  If I know what I want, then why can’t I just love someone who is that?  Why do I have to feel so limited to a group of people who I am not comfortable attaching myself to.  It’s just not fair.  Fuck it, I’ll just be the butler.