So I just watched Girl Interrupted.  I read the book a while back and loved it, so I figured I’d give the film version a try.  It is a really good movie, but there is something about dealing with the psychological aspects of being crazy that just makes me think far more then I should.  I have been thinking about what’s going to happen here in a few weeks when I leave Ball State, and it’s terrifying to be honest.  I’m not good at just jumping out there and getting started.  I am the kid who has to walk around the pool and dip my toe in a thousand times before I just jump.  It’s just how I work.  I need to know I will be safe.  I need the safety net of facts that tell me what the results will be. 

   Last night was a really good night spent with my friends.  Nick, Geoff, Beth and I just chilled and had some drinks, which are my favorite sorts of evenings.  I would be nothing with out my friends.  Frienship to me is right under love.  It’s something that can never be replaced or faked without someone knowing.  It’s something can’t be destroyed if it’s genuine.  Perhaps tht’s why I always get the two so intertwined.  For me love someone, I have to have just been their friend first.  and in my situation it’s rotten because my friends aren’t gay.  and I am always curious about this weakness of mine, if it scares my guy friends.  Do they sit around and wonder who I will be “in love” with next?  I don’t know.

And do you ever wonder if your a good person?  I have never looked at myself as evil or mean.  I just look at myself as someone who is struggling to hide his weaknesses.  I look at myself as someone who is always ready to defend themselves if I have to.  Too many times in life I have had to.  I’m not very approachable, I’m not a very intimate person, I don’t even like being hugged very much. 

I don’t even know what I am Xangaing about anymore.  I feel like a moron sometimes because I get these moments where I feel like I can find a connection, find an answer if I start focusing, but it doesn’t work.  I am confused right now.  I feel like tommorrow is always going to kick my ass.  And I feel like I am just tired of being alone.  not that that’s suprising.  fuck it, i’m done here.


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