I scratched my head.  not in a way to think about something but because it itched.  and my fingernail was rough and it pricked me a bit and it hurt.  and i thought to myself, well now you’ve gone and done it Adam, not only were you worthless and lazy today but then you draw blood on your face.  fool.  Anyway, it didn’t take long for me to get back to what I was trying to do online, which was talk to my BAP.  P was discussing New Years with me, B was helping me come up with a topic for my latest Xanga and then suddenly she hit me with a good topic.  Beth.  i was going to play Jay-Z (one of the hip-hop songs on my computer) but i decided against it when Billy Joels scene from an Italian Restaurant came on.  You see, not only is Beth one of my best friends, but she will ALWAYS be one of my best friends.  It’s like, we met in a dorm room, bonded over Christina, we grew attached discussing stolen Spanish books in a hallway and we tied the knot of BFF (that’s right i said it) when she cried for me as I left the dorms.  That’s when I knew it was real. If you haven’t seen Beth then you don’t know beauty.  She’s the definition of it.  I can’t get enough of her dancing and her smile.  I think that’s what does it for me.  Her smile.  It’s perfect.  As my dad says “She could be a porn star”, but I think she’d make a better fly girl.  Also, have you ever seen someone make ty-dye pants look so good?  I haven’t.  I know what’s up, and what’s up is the heat when Beth is around.  It’s like she walked into my life and my cold bitter sarcastic personality melted. Thanks Beth for making me smile. 

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I think sometimes that I will find that job that I want.  I will be happy for a bit, and make money and be someone somewhere.  And that maybe you’ll give a shit about me.  That I won’t be a joke anymore, because that’s all i have ever been to so many people.  But you make me feel respected.  I love that you are so together on the outside.  I love that you have weaknesses like the rest of us.  I love that you know how to take control of situations.  I love that your you no matter who puts you down for it.  I feel safe around you, like you have the ability to take care of anyone.  I feel like you understand me when I am mad or when I’m scared.  I feel like even when I fuck up, while you know I’m wrong, you still see my point of view.  I love that your smart.   I love that you don’t throw me aside because i’m persistant.  I love that you know what’s important and what needs to get done.  I love that you like to be somewhat secretive from others.  I love that you act like you need  no one, even though that’s a load of shit.  I guess, I just want what’s impossible.

Well Xanga, I am at a loss of words right now.  I have a lot of shit to think about on my plate, but I just don’t know how to put it all down in words I guess.  Here goes my try. 


    Recently I had a jobinterview on the north side of Indy at a place called Diversified Corporate Solutions.  It was an alright interview and I liked the lady I talked to, but I didn’t feel like the business was something I was genuinely interested in.  They deal with outsourcing and selling products face to face for other companies.  Is that what I am going to become?  A salesman?  I don’t know if that’s what I want.  My dream was to be a writer.  I wanted to craft thoughtful songs and poetry and write a memoir and work at a comic book publishing company.  I don’t want to abandon my dreams, but I need a job and I can’t wait around for some dream job.  I guess I just have to work my way towards my goals.  Simple solution huh?


     Thought number two is about my uncanny ability to think one day a straight man will love me.  It’s really stupid, I know.  Someone told me they think I am not mentally ready for a relationship, but I don’t really think that’s true.  I just think I haven’t met anyone who was eligable for me to date that I have liked.  I mean, we all know I can be a bit critical sometimes, so to find someone who I like enough to share myself with, well, that’s difficult for me and usually takes me a while to figure out that I like them.  That’s why I always end up falling for my friends I think, because I get to know them and I let them know me.  That is what love is to me.  I guess I just get it confused with friendship sometimes maybe, but then again, I have plenty of friends who I don’t feel attracted to.


   and these poor guys that I like.  They must feel so annoyed by me.  I can be a bit much sometimes, and I don’t mean to be, I just don’t realize that it bothers them I guess.  I have lost my thoughts just now. 

i’ve been reviewing old Xanga’s from the last year.  Pot killed my writing when i was smoking all the time.  drinking will always be a part of me.  I get really mad at some people repeatedly.  my year has been what my New Years eve was.  holler.

Don’t Drink and Drive


Navigation is the reason
why I feel so useless tonight
and I can’t drive without my headlights
or I won’t make it home
navigation, the creation
of a road to the end of the earth
where two people know that it’s worth
the world to share what’s in their soul


but it’s one way streets
that lead to simple defeat
it’s the opposite end
of the perfect plan
and I can’t turn around
cause I’m driving towards you
navigation, navigating around you


Navigation, this situation
of driving the wrong way today
makes for unneeded painful heart ache
but I don’t care right now
Navigation, this instigation
of conflict between two friends
that is spurned by a one sided cringe
where he can’t care, can’t care


but it’s one way streets
that lead to simple defeat
it’s the opposite end
of the perfect plan
and I can’t turn around
cause I’m driving towards you
navigation, navigating around you


it’s nothing I know, but I talk like it’s s’pose
to take over all of your concerns
why would you drive, on the opposite side
maybe I should just give up and turn


but it’s one way streets
that lead to simple defeat
it’s the opposite end
of the perfect plan
and I can’t turn around
cause I’m driving towards you
navigation, navigating around you

     So I was totally sober last night when I went to bed, and I had some really weird dreams, in theory, because I was sober at the time of slumber. Anyway, they changed rapidly. One dream featured me on a motorcycle wearing an all green outfit. I sped down the interstate passing a number of other brightly colored individuals and we all went to the same place. A giant trailer. We crowded inside and around me were super-heroes. I was at some kind of meeting, some mass briefing where all the super-heroes were going to learn of a new threat. After a nasty encounter with one not so nice super-hero who was really big I took my seat, but then….


I was suddenly in a class room. I didn’t know what was going on. I had just woken up. I looked around me and saw several of my good friends: Beth, Aubrie, Nick, Geoff, Patrick, and some other random people who didn’t really have faces, just blurs. Anyway, we just sat there and talked about how we didn’t want to be at school on a Saturday. I think it was a detention sort of deal, but I went back to sleep.


Then I really woke up. My room was cold and the clock said 11:30. I wasted time cuddling with the body pillow and pretending it was a person. I know it’s pathetic, but I can still pretend to wake up next to someone, right? Anyway, I began my morning with shower and talking with Kinder in the basement. Would my goatee grow in? Probably not. We laughed at me sad attempt to show of puberty. In the shower I sang songs ranging from Madonna Crazy For You (a recent shower staple) to Winter Wonderland (inspired by the concert I had with the B-Bap the night before – That’ Brian Wilson, Beth, Adam and Patrick). It’s always cold fresh out of the shower, so I sprinted upstairs grabbing doughnuts and juice on the way and began working on my speech I had to give the next day.


The research was going surprisingly well, but how hard could it be to give a speech on Xanga. That’s right, I have to convince my class to sign up for Xanga sites. It should be fun. Hopefully I will figure out the details before 6:30pm on Monday when I have to present. Did you know there are 418 people in the BSU blog ring (I am newly included). Did you know that Xanga started as a review site for books and CDs and it was directly connected to Amazon? Well now you know. I was studying an article from PC Magazine when my door rattled with the sound of a knock. It was Aubrie.


Beth, Brian Wilson, Aubs and I all crowded into the messy Prissy (Aubs chlorine colored car that has no radio, a busted lock, sagging ceiling and a precious scent. Oh yeah, that cars a classic. We flew down the road going over the speed limit in an attempt to reach New Castle by 3:00pm. It was 2:45pm when we were half way there. I was naturally pessimistic about arriving on time, but sure enough, we pulled into the Pizza Hut in time to see our good friend Geoff waiting tables. He served out hungry group up right with free pizza, breadsticks, salad and hot wings. HOW! Nice Geoff. I liked that Pizza Hut a lot, even the crazy manager guy, random pizza topping ingredient artwork and especially the juke box that had Led Zeppelin on it. AAAHHH. After we ate, I played When the Levee Breaks four times in a row. I am sure the rest of the people there loved that.


We raced back home where I suddenly became somewhat studious and busted my chops over to the library. EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR. Wrong answer. With the crowd at Bracken Library, one would have thought they were giving away free drugs or something, but maybe it was just the effects of it being the week before finals. The crowd overwhelmed me and I went to a lab in RB instead. It’s much more quiet there. I proceeded to work on my Power Point which accompany my Xanga speech, complete with images of my own site and some of my friends’ sites. I think it will be awesome. This little trip also included a visit with Sarah who arrived at the lab shortly after I did. She is awesome, especially after bonging beer with me on Friday. MMMMMM.


I finished my work and busted home to chat on IM and work on my computer virus. That’s right, I said a virus. I practically died when I found out my baby had it. I’ve been going to professionals and doing self-analysis for weeks, but no luck. The old Gateway still works, it just needs an extra push sometimes. I love it still though. And could you imagine if it broke? No Xanga updates! No AIM! I said no AIM people! That’s an unstable Atom if I ever heard of one. Ok, that sucked. Anyway. I think my virus is called AmysHorse. Isn’t that fitting though. Damn horse attacking such a poor defenseless Shetland. Screw Amy. Bitch. and I hope her horse gets ground into dog food.


I got stopped in my computer work when I needed my XP disk, so I visited the LP to get it. Geoff smoked a cigarette and got the disk, Nick stayed holed up in his room. bummer. Aubs and I talked about how we will be in debt for the next ten years and Linds graced us with talk about finals and going out for Beth’s B-Day. 21 baby. December 16th. be there or be drunk somewhere else at least. I will be there. Anyhow, I left there and headed home where I chatted with Momma B and ate some left over Pizza. I dried dishes, I organized the living room (and found three DVD’s I’ve been missing, Lost in Translation, Unbreakable and Monsters Ball, YEAH!). Now I’m here, Xangaing.


So what did I learn today? Well, Monster.com is easy to use and I appreciate it’s help in my job search. I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make it drink. The same applies to boys. I know Beth, I know, it’s crazy, but would you expect anything less from my tastes? Hey hey, what can I say? I also learned that Pizza Hut is very filling. I learned that Xanga is only 5 years old. I learned that I look bad in EVERY picture of me (or at least that’s the conclusion I have come to) and I learned that my body pillow, even it was a person, would be too short to date (no offense Kinder). Well that’s all I got kids. Be good with your bad selves.

and it’s totally true, there is a danger in loving someone too much.  And it’s bullshit.  Love is about sharing yourself with someone.  It’s about meeting someone who makes you think in new ways and who makes you feel like you are going to be alright.  It’s not something you just turn off or on, it’s not something you choose and it’s not something that I think you should have to hide.  Love is such a painful emotion when it’s one way, but that’s the only way I’ve ever known the emotion.  I guess I should believe that one day I’ll have more faith in the old L-O-V-E, but for now, I think it’s a cruel cruel joke.  i’m tired of being in love.  i’m tired of feeling like an idiot.