It’s one of those things that really isn’t important, but after seeing it everyday for two months it just starts to piss you off. My Dad said “it’s an impossible situation, I tried to remove it before, but it’s there permanently, or until the weather knocks it down.” I didn’t believe him. What did he know? My skills are vast, climbing, building stuff from sticks, speed, agility. But would these assets be enough? I’m no MacGyver, more like Jonny Quest, only I don’t hang out with a guy who wears a turban or have a scientist father. I would definitely need supplies though. the garage is full of crazy shit. A portable Styrofoam toilet, two shop vacs, an ancient slip and slide, three lawn mowers. My tool selection would be simpler: ropes, gloves, a rake.


I carried the supplies to the side of the house and looked at the situation I had at hand. You see, I have a living room with a big picture window. In the middle of the scenic wooded view there is this tree branch. It fell down a while ago during a storm and wedged itself into another tree, fastening itself, yet dangling in the tackiest of fashions. I had to remove it. and ok it’s not a tree branch. It could be it’s own tree by right, but I had to try. My first though is the source of the wedge. I could climb the tree and knock the branch loose. It’s only about 35 ft. high, branches about 30 ft. up. But I did list climbing as an asset. I harnessed a rope around my waist and put on gloves. then I attached myself to the tree and slowly began inching upwards. I could do this. Spider-Man has nothing on me. In fact, if I could shoot webs I’d just chang…………….FUCK!


So I suck at tying knots. The rope came undone. I fell. That’s when I realized I was only three feet up anyway. Jonny Quest, not Spider-Man. Ok, my second thought is to go all Batman and Robin style. I mean, if the boy wonder can toss a rope up onto a building and scale the wall, surely I can do it to a tree. I found a sturdy stick and attached the end of a rope to it. I wasn’t in boy scouts like my good friend Patrick (although I bet I could have taught the boys a thing or two), so my knot may again have sucked but at least it held. I stepped on the end of the rope as to ensure not to loose it, I threw the stick up, it hit me in the head. Yeah, so I sucked at baseball. I mean I really sucked. Like, you know how girls do chants while they are in the dug out. I was the only one that did chants in the boys league. and I always had to bat last. Anyway, I retrieved the stick and tossed it again, this time tangling it in the dangling branch, not the tree. I pulled, but the stick had wrapped around. Perhaps instead of climbing I could lasso the branch and pull it out! I began to tug on the rope, gently at first, because I know how this stuff ricochets. Pull, pull, nope. It just came untangled and fell. Damn it! There had to be a way. I had to get rid of this branch. I looked over at the rake and didn’t know why I had brought it. What a stupid idea. A rake. What would that do? I started swinging it in the air and broke off as much of the dangling branch as I could. It made me feel somewhat better. Tomorrow I will try again. The branch will come down soon. I swear to it!

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