So today I got a new scanner and printer.  It was my christmas present to myself.  I really needed one anyway.  But anyhow, I just wanted to post my first scanned in picture.  It’s a picture of Zach, the kid I work with.


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The best new song I’ve heard in a damn long time….


The Wallflowers – God says nothing back


Seems like the world’s gone underground
No gods or heroes dare to go down
Teardrops from a hole in heaven come
Overhead like ravens dropping down like bombs

Through the mornings silver frosted glow
God says nothing back but I told you so
I told you so

God bless the void of my daydreams
Head back in the snow making angel wings
As slow motion dancing lights at dawn
Sail beneath a burning yellow sun

I’m calling out from the deep ends of my bones
Time says nothing back but I told you so
I told you so

Still waters rising in my mind
Black and deep, smoke behind my eyes
Last night I could not sleep at all
I hallucinated that you were in my arms

To be in your heart I failed my own
Love says nothing back but I told you so
I told you so

Still here reclimbing every rung
Someone saw something
Now Someone speak up
Back over the rotted bridge I cross
Open up these graves, let these bodies talk

Burried under leaves blood red and gold
Death says nothing back but I told you so
I told you so

It was one of those days where I had options.  I could have gone to a friends house, chilled at a bar, picked up a shift at work.  Anything.  Instead i chose to be frumpy.  I wore my red sweat pants, they’re the most comfortable, and a blue thermal.  Lunch made my stomach hurt a lot, i took a nap.  Then I awoke, read comis and watched the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.  or at least half of it.  I thought it was terrible.  I had to turn it off.  How lame. 


I was told tonight that someone misses me.  hahahahahahaha.  I miss him to.  But what do I miss?  The insanely deep and intellectual (at least we thought we were) conversations.  Our crude humor and hatred of people in general?  The way we could fight for an hour and still be drinking buds the next day?  His insistent need to PLAN everything.  Our ignorance of the fact that his girlfriend hated me?  The oddness of his bedroom?  His creepy guns?  The old spice scent that waffed through the air around him?  His arms.  I always liked his arms.  His constant use of nicknames.  I don’t know.  He always made me smile though and I’d love to see him.  Maybe I will call him sometime.


Don’t you hate whe people ask you what your type is?   I mean, who really has a type. variety and individuality are what make it all exciting.  I’ve liked a flamboyant christian, a showboating closet case, a computer nerd, a frat boy, an emo kid, a gay artist, a gorgeus stoner, a short stalky wrestler, another computer nerd/stoner, a party boy and a now a student of the Indiana Bible College.  Maybe that’s why i’m still single as hell.  oh well.  on a related side though, i still haven’t seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin”.  Who thinks I will be the 40 year old virgin?  Fate is so cruel isn’t it?


Musically I’ve been diverse lately.  Alanis has been blarring, I’ve been exploring lesser known Zeppelin songs, I even played a little Aimee Mann the other day.  Crazy bitch, she needs some prozac.

So, I recently decided to do some inventory of my comics.  Which issues do I have?  What am I missing?  Sheer numbers?  etc. etc.  Anyway, these are the results, not that i expect you to read them at all, but it is interesting to find out that I own…..


3,032 comic books!


Current Ongoing Series with Complete Runs


Astonishing X-Men (12 issues)
Exiles (73 issues + 2B)
New Avengers (13 issues)
New Excalibur (2 issues)
New Thunderbolts (15 issues)
New X-Men: Academy X (20 issues + variant 20)
Runaways: Volume 2 (10 issues + 1B)
She-Hulk: Volume 2 (2 issues)
Ultimate Fantastic Four (25 issues + Annual 1)
Ultimate X-Men (65 issues + Annual 1, ½)
The Ultimates 2 (9 issues + Annual 1)
Young Avengers (9 issues)
X-Men (178 issues + -1, -1B, ½, 1A, 1B, 1C, 97B, 100B, 115B, ’92, ’93, ’94, ’95, ’96, ’97, ‘98, ‘99, ‘00, ‘01)


Current Ongoing Series with Incomplete Runs


Birds of Prey – needed issues – 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 17, 18, 20, 21, 22, 24, 25,         26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41,         42, 43, 45, 46, 47, 48, 53, 54, 55 (88 issues)


Cable & Deadpool – needed issues – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 6, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 20, 21,       22, 23 (23 issues)


Spider-Girl – needed issues – 33 (93 issues + variant 2, ½, 0, ‘99 annual)


Ultimate Spider-Man – needed issues – ½, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
         (86 issues + Annual 1)


Uncanny X-Men – needed issues – [1-26], [28-110], 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 119, 122, 123, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 140, 141, 142, 143, 146, ’80, ’79, ’78, ’77 (466 issues + -1, 95B, ’81, ’82, ’83, ’84, ’85, ’86, ’87, ’88, ’89, ’90, ’91, ’92, ’93, ’94, ’95, ’96, ’97, ’98, ’99, ’00, ‘01)


Wolverine (2nd series) – needed issues – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16,           17, 18, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 30, 32 (36 issues)


X-Men Unlimited (2nd series) – needed issues – 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 (12 issues)


Ended Ongoing Series with Complete Runs


The Brotherhood (9 issues + 2B)
Emma Frost (18 issues)
Excalibur (1st series) (125 issues + -1, ‘93, ‘94)
Excalibur (2nd series) (14 issues)
Gambit (2nd series) (25 issues + ½ , 1B, 1C, 1D, 1E, 2B, ‘99,’00
Generation X (75 issues + -1, ½, ½ variant, 63B, ‘95, ‘96, ‘97, ‘98, ‘99)
The Intimates (12 issues)
Jubilee (6 issues)
Mystique (24 issues)
New Mutants (1st series) (100 issues + ‘84, ‘86, ‘87, ‘88, ‘89, ‘90, ‘91)
New Mutants (2nd series) (13 issues)
Nightcrawler (12 issues)
Rogue (12 issues)
She-Hulk: Volume 1 (12 issues)
The Ultimates (13 issues)
Weapon X (28 issues)
X-Factor (1st series) (149 issues +  -1, ’86, ‘87, ‘88, ‘89, ‘90, ‘91, ‘92, ‘93, ‘94)
X-Force (129 issues + -1, ‘92, ‘93, ‘94, ‘95, ‘96, ‘97, ‘98, ‘99)
X-Men: Evolution (9 issues)
X-Men: The Hidden Years (22 issues)
X-Statix (26 issues)
X-Treme X-Men (46 issues + 2B, ‘01)


Ended Ongoing Series with Incomplete Runs


Avengers (1st series) – Issues I have – Annual 10, 201, 203, 209, 210, 211, 223, 225, 232, 243, 252, 256, 276, 279, 286, 293, Annual 18, 303, 307, 311, 314, 315, 316, 322, 335, 350, 402 (402 issues + Annual 1 – 25)


Avengers (3rd series) – needed issues – 72 (88 issues +  0, 1½ , 1B, 2B, 4B, 12B, 16B, ‘98 ‘99 ‘00, ‘01)


Bishop – needed issues – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 (16 issues)


Cable – needed issues – 35, 105 (107 issues + -1, ‘98, ‘98B, ‘99)


Dazzler -needed issues – 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 20, 29, 31, 33, 35, 39, 41 (42 issues)


Mutant X – needed issues – ‘00 (32 issues + ‘99, ‘01)


Runaways: Volume 1 – needed issues – 4, 5, 7 (18 issues)


Thunderbolts -needed issues – 5, 7, 8, 9, 12, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80 (80 issues + -1, 0, ‘97, ‘00)


Ultimate Marvel Team-Up –  needed issues – 1, 6, 7, 8, 12, 13 (16 issues)


Wolverine (2nd series) – needed issues – ½, 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 16, 17, 21, 22, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 41, 43, 44, 45, 46, 48, 49, 50, 56, 57, 59, 60, 63, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 87, 88, 89, 90, 93, 96, 98, 100, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 111, 112, 113, 114, 154, 155, 187, 188, 189, ’96, ’97, ’98, ’99, ’01 (189 issues + -1, ‘95, ‘00)


X-Man – needed issues – 63, 64, 65, 66, 70, 73, 74, 75 (75 issues + ‘96, ‘97, ‘98, -1)


X-Men Unlimited (1st series) – needed issues – 13 (50 issues)


Limited Series
* Titles preceded by asterisks indicate a non-complete series *


X-Men Limited Series


* The Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix (4 issues) – 2
Age of Apocalypse (one-shot) – 1
Age of Apocalypse (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
* Askani’ Son (4 issues) – 1, 4
Astonishing X-Men (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
The Beast (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Beauty and the Beast (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Bishop (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Bishop: Xavier Security Enforcer (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Blink (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Cable (2 issues) – 1, 2r
Chamber (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Colossus (one-shot) – 1
Cyclops (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Daydreamers (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
* Deadpool (1st series) (4 issues) – 2
Domino (1st series) (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Domino (2nd series) (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Excalibur (one-shot) – 1
* Excalibur (4 issues) – 3, 4
Excalibur: Air Apparent (one-shot) – 1
Excalibur: Mojo Mayhem (one-shot) – 1
Excalibur: The Possession (one-shot) – 1
Excalibur VS The X-Men (one-shot) – 1
The Further Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
* Gambit (1st series) (4 issues) – 4
Gambit (2nd series) (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Gen13/Generation X (one-shot) – 1
* Generation M (5 issues) – 1
Generation X: Aschan Edition
Generation X: Collectors Preview
Generation X/Gen13 (one-shot) – 1
Generation X: Underground Special (one-shot) – 1
Generation X: Holiday Special (one-shot) – 1
Giant Size Gambit (one-shot) – 1
* Giant Size X-Men ( 4issues) – 3
* Iceman (1st series) (4 issues) – 1, 2, 4
Iceman (2nd series) (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Juggernaut (one-shot) – 1
Juggernaut: The Eighth Day (one-shot) – 1
* Kitty Pryde and Wolverine (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 5
Kitty Pryde: Agent of Shield (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Longshot (one-shot) – 1
Madrox (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Magik (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Magneto (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Magneto: dark Seduction
Magneto Rex (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Mekanix (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
* Morlocks (4 issues) – 1
* Muties (6 issues) – 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Mutopia X (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
The New Mutants Marvel Graphic Novel (one-shot) – 1
The New Mutants: Special Edition (one-shot) – 1
The New Mutants: Summer Special (one-shot) -1
The New Mutants: Truth or Dare (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
New X-Men: Academy X: Yearbook (one-shot) – 1
New X-Men: Hellions (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Nightcrawler (1st series) (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Nightcrawler (2nd series) (4issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
* NYX (7 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: Age of Apocalypse (one-shot) – 1
The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: X-Men 2004 (one-shot) – 1
The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: X-Men 2005 (one-shot) – 1
* The Official Marvel Index to the X-Men (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 5
Onslaught: Epilogue (one-shot) – 1
Onslaught: Marvel Universe (one-shot) – 1
Onslaught: X-Men (one-shot) -1
* Origin (6 issues) – 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Ororo: Before the Storm (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Pryde and Wisdom (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Psylocke & Archangel: Crimson Dawn (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
* The Rise of Apocalypse (4 issues) – 3
* Rogue ( 1st series) (4 issues) –  1, 2, 4
Rogue (2nd series) (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Sabretooth: Red Zone (one-shot) – 1
Sabretooth and Mystique (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
* Streamers (4 issues) – 1, 4
Storm (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Strong Guy Reborn (one-shot) – 1
Stryfe’s Strike Files (one-shot) – 1
Tales From the Age of Apocalypse (one-shot) – 1
Team X 2000 (one-shot) – 1
The Uncanny X-Men and Teen Titans (one-shot) – 1
Weapon X: Days of the Future Now (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Weapon X: The Draft: Kane & Agent Jackson (one-shot) – 1
Weapon X: The Draft: Marrow & Unknown (one-shot) – 1
Weapon X: The Draft: Sauron & The Director (one-shot) – 1
Weapon X: The Draft: Wild Child & Aurora (one-shot) – 1
Weapon X: The Draft: Zero & Wolverine (one-shot) – 1
Wolverine: Days of the Future Past (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
* Wolverine & Gambit: Victims (4 issues) – 1
X-Babies Pint Sized (one-shot) – 1
X-Babies Reborn (one-shot) – 1
X-Factor (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
X-Farce (one-shot) – 1
X-Force (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
X-Force: Shatterstar (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
X-Man: All Saints Day (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Archives Sketchbook (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Black Sun (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
X-Men: Book of the Askani’ (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Brood Day of Wraith (2 issues) – 1, 2
X-Men: Cerebro’s Guide to the X-Men (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Children of the Atom (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
X-Men Collector’s Preview (one-shot) – 1
* X-Men: Colossus: Bloodline (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
X-Men: The End: Dreamers and Demons (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
X-Men: The End: Heroes and Martyrs (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
* X-Men: Deadly Genesis (6 issues) – 1, 1 (variant),
X-Men: Declassified (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: God Loves, Man Kills (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Kitty Pryde: Shadow and Flame (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
X-Men: Liberators (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
* X-Men: Lost Tales (2 issues) – 2
X-Men: Magik (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
X-Men: The Magneto War (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Millennial Visions 2000 (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Millennial Visions 2001 (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Phoenix ( 3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
X-Men: Phoenix Endsong (5 issues) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
X-Men: Prime (one-shot) -1
X-Men: Revolution: Genesis Edition (one-shot) – 1
* X-Men: The Search for Cyclops (4 issues) – 1, 2 (variant), 4
X-Men: Special Edition (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Spotlight on….Streamers (2 issues) – 1, 2
X-Men: True Friends (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
X-Men: Universe 1999 (one-shot) – 1
X-Men: Yearbook 1999 (one-shot) – 1
* X-Men and Alpha Flight (1st series)(2 issues) – 2
X-Men and Alpha Flight (2nd series) (2 issues) – 1, 2
X-Men Forever (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
X-Men and the Micronauts (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
* X-Men VS The Avengers (4 issues) – 1, 3
X-Terminators (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
X-Treme X-Men: Savage Land (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
X-Treme X-Men: X-Pose (2 issues) – 1, 2
X.S.E.: Xavier Security Enforcers (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Xavier Institute Alumni Yearbook (one-shot) – 1


Ultimate Marvel Limited Series


Ultimate Daredevil & Elektra (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Ultimate Elektra (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
* Ultimate Iron Man (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4,
Ultimate Nightmare (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Ultimate Secret ( 4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Ultimate Six (7 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Ultimate War (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4


Other Marvel Limited Series


The Aladdin Effect: Marvel Graphic Novels (one-shot) – 1
The Avengers Casebook:1999 (one-shot) – 1
The Avengers: Celestial Quest (8 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
* Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes (8 issues) – 1
Avengers Finale (one-shot) – 1
Avengers Forever (12 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Avengers Hot Shots (one-shot) – 1
Avengers Infinity (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Avengers/J.L.A. (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Avengers/Thunderbolts (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
* The Avengers Two: Wonder Man and the Beast (3 issues) – 1, 2
Contest of Champions II (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
* Darkdevil (3 issues) – 2
Domination Factor: Avengers (4 issues) – 1, 2 , 3, 4
Domination Factor: Fantastic Four (4 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Earth X (12 issues, plus X, plus 0) – 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, X
Earth X Special Edition (one-shot) – 1
* Fantastic Four VS The X-Men (4 issues) – 3, 4
Hawkeye: Earth’s Mightiest Marksman (one-shot) – 1
House of M (8 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
House of M: The Day After (one-shot) – 1
House of M: The Pulse (one-shot) – 1
House of M: Secrets of the House of M (one-shot) – 1
House of M: Sketchbook (one-shot) – 1
House of M: Spider-Man (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Last Hero Standing (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Marvel Holiday Special 1996 (one-shot) – 1
* Marvel: The Lost Generation (12 issues) – 1, 2
Marvel Mangaverse (one-shot) – 1
Marvel Milestone Edition: X-Men:1 (one-shot) – 1
* Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars (12 issues) – 7, 8, 9, 12
* Marvels (4 issues) – 2, 3, 4
* Mephisto (4 issues) – 1, 3, 4
The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe – The Avengers 2004 (one-shot) – 1
The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Update ‘89 (? issues) – 3, 7
* Paradise X (12 issues, plus X, plus 0) – 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Paradise X: Heralds (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
* Paradise X: Ragnarok (2 issues) – 1
Paradise X: Special Edition (one-shot) – 1
Paradise X: Xen (one-shot) – 1
* Secret War (5 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Secret War: From the Files of Nick Fury (one-shot) – 1
* Spider-Man: The Mutant Agenda (0 + 3 issues) – 0, 1, 2
* Spider-Man/Black Cat: The Evil that Men Do (6 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 4
Spider-Man & X-Factor (3 issues) – 1, 2, 3
Thunderbolts: Life Sentences (one-shot) – 1
Universe X (12 issues, plus X, plus 0) – 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, X
Universe X: 4 (one-shot) – 1
Universe X: Beasts (one-shot) – 1
Universe X: Iron Men (one-shot) – 1
Universe X: Omnibus
Universe X: Spidey (one-shot) – 1


D.C. Comics/Wildstorm Limited Series


The Authority: Kev (one-shot) – 1
The Authority: Scorched Earth – 1
Countdown to Infinite Crisis (one-shot) – 1
Identity Crisis (7 issues) – 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7
* Infinite Crisis (7 issues) – 1, 2
Thundercats (6 issues) – 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Thundercats Sourcebook (one-shot) – 1


Random Comics


New Warriors: 45, 46
Black Panther: 7, 8, 9
Spider-Woman (1st series): 1, 37, 43
Uncanny Origins 6 (beast), 1 (cyclops), 8 (Nightcrawler)
Captain Marvel: 0, 1
What If…?: 98
Spectacular Spider-Man: 198
Spider-Man: 16, 25
Marvel Team-Up (2nd series): 1
Warlock: 9 (nine issues total)
Codename: Knockout: 7
The Pulse: 10
She-Hulk (second series): 1
J.L.A.: 121
Batgirl: 67
Black Canary: 3
Deadpool: 0
Deadpool: 69
Fables: 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 14
The Authority (1st series): 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29
The Authority (2nd series): 1, 2, 3

Tundra
 
 There is a tundra in my skull
 It’s just a frozen wasteland filled with ice and drifting snow
 and I don’t know how long I’ve been wondering
 the sights all seem to be the same, yeah
 the igloos don’t provide much comfort
 I saw you walking through the cold, there was a song you sang


Chorus:  oh I don’t ever mind being alone
  when the snow falls I feel right at home
  but it’s so nice to see someone who understands
  I don’t ever mind being alone
  but maybe we could stay together
  warm up this abysmal frozen land


 There is a tundra in my heart
 for days and days the sun won’t shine, I live in dark
 I can’t recall the day it all began to freeze
 I guess it wouldn’t change a thing, no
 If I remembered green grass growin’
 suppose we walk together, singing that old song you sang
Chorus
 the ice is thickest in the middle
 it’s been building up for so much time
 I’ve almost made it through this
 Are you waiting on the other side
Chorus
 There is a tundra, it’s my home.

So tonight kind of sucked, but then again it was awesome.  Pro’s and Con’s!!


Pro: I got to close work tonight
Con: It was snowing so no one came into eat and I made no money


Pro: Zach was the host tonight and I jumped into his arms multiple times
Con: He’s still not going to date me, he just enjoys my attention


Pro: I am becoming much more independent in 2006
Con: Independent means paying my own health insurance which costs $120.00 a month.


Pro: I have half my Christmas shopping done
Con: I have half my shopping left and no funds to go shopping with


Pro: The older peopel at work invited me to their annual christmas get together
Con:  This means I am seen as someone who is a staple at Uno’s, something that was suppose just be a filler job


Pro: I recieved a postcard from RadioNOW. they will call me for an interview this month
Con: The music on Radio Now sort of sucks

     I try not to be that person who calls when they are all sad and stressed about stuff.  I suppose I just have this mentality about myself where I think I can handle my own problems and I shouln’t burden other people with them.  Maybe that’s why Xanga is such a good outlet for problems?  It’s letting out your problems without asking people to care or be concerend.  They don’t have to read it.   They can just move on. 


     Today at work I had a co-worker tell me that I am always so confident about everything.  I barely contained my laughter before walking away and thinking to myself, “What drugs is she on?”   I never feel confident in anything I do.  I mean, I can’t even go hang out with people without taking an extra outfit cause I am always nervous my outfit won’t be up to par, or maybe it will be dressy, or maybe it’s just a dumb outfit I have on and I am afriad someone will call me out.  whatever.  I feel as if I am the worlds biggest failure.  Like I’ve wasted $40,000 getting a BA that I haven’t used. (On a side note, Aimee Mann just popped on my playlist and I am lettiing it play out)  I never finished writing my book, and each time I restart it I get lost again in my direction and put it away.  The only thing I know I can do well is read comics. 


      To make matters worse, I worked with Zach tonight and it hit me that I still haven’t matured at all dating wise.  I hate seeing him cause it reminds I am different and unsubstantial.  It reminds me that I am never enough.  It reminds me that no matter what I do I will loose.  But it makes me smile cause he’s just all kinds of great.  He listens to me, and he tells me his problems and we joke around.  and I just want to wake up with his arms around me sometime.  How juvinial.


    The irony of this whole entry is that I have whined the whole time, presented my problems.  Tonight I got a call from a friend saying she needs to hangout cause she’s all depressed and stuff and that she wants me to drink with her.  I don’t want to though.  But how do I still be a good friend and tell her i don’t want to hangout with her?  I don’t know.  It’s just one more thing stressing me out right now.  I don’t want to drink tonight.  I drank enough this weekend.  And for some reason I am not proud of it.  I don’t feel bad for getting sick, it happens to the best, but it is frustrating when people associate you with drinking.  Like that’s the basis of who I am or a staple.  The thing is, I do drink a lot.  It is a staple of my life.  I don’t know if I should just accept it and be careful not to become a total alcoholic mess, give it up entirely, or what.  I mean, to be told it’s usual for me to get drunk just feels weird I guess.  I am better then that and I shouldn’t let that be my epitaph. 


        I am lonely.