I try not to be that person who calls when they are all sad and stressed about stuff. I suppose I just have this mentality about myself where I think I can handle my own problems and I shouln’t burden other people with them. Maybe that’s why Xanga is such a good outlet for problems? It’s letting out your problems without asking people to care or be concerend. They don’t have to read it. They can just move on.
Today at work I had a co-worker tell me that I am always so confident about everything. I barely contained my laughter before walking away and thinking to myself, “What drugs is she on?” I never feel confident in anything I do. I mean, I can’t even go hang out with people without taking an extra outfit cause I am always nervous my outfit won’t be up to par, or maybe it will be dressy, or maybe it’s just a dumb outfit I have on and I am afriad someone will call me out. whatever. I feel as if I am the worlds biggest failure. Like I’ve wasted $40,000 getting a BA that I haven’t used. (On a side note, Aimee Mann just popped on my playlist and I am lettiing it play out) I never finished writing my book, and each time I restart it I get lost again in my direction and put it away. The only thing I know I can do well is read comics.
To make matters worse, I worked with Zach tonight and it hit me that I still haven’t matured at all dating wise. I hate seeing him cause it reminds I am different and unsubstantial. It reminds me that I am never enough. It reminds me that no matter what I do I will loose. But it makes me smile cause he’s just all kinds of great. He listens to me, and he tells me his problems and we joke around. and I just want to wake up with his arms around me sometime. How juvinial.
The irony of this whole entry is that I have whined the whole time, presented my problems. Tonight I got a call from a friend saying she needs to hangout cause she’s all depressed and stuff and that she wants me to drink with her. I don’t want to though. But how do I still be a good friend and tell her i don’t want to hangout with her? I don’t know. It’s just one more thing stressing me out right now. I don’t want to drink tonight. I drank enough this weekend. And for some reason I am not proud of it. I don’t feel bad for getting sick, it happens to the best, but it is frustrating when people associate you with drinking. Like that’s the basis of who I am or a staple. The thing is, I do drink a lot. It is a staple of my life. I don’t know if I should just accept it and be careful not to become a total alcoholic mess, give it up entirely, or what. I mean, to be told it’s usual for me to get drunk just feels weird I guess. I am better then that and I shouldn’t let that be my epitaph.
I am lonely.