SO I’m in the running for a position as a copywriter at an advertising agency in Fort Wayne.  I don’t have the job, or any interview, but I have been informed that my resume is in the keep pile.  It’s time for me to be creative.  It’s time for me to start writing.  It’s time for me to do this.  hold on, someone’s knocking on my door…….


 


…………ok, i’m back.  It was opportunity.  He’s doing good by the way, and plans on visiting you all soon.  Hopefully you’ll be reasy, and hopefully I am too. 


    Life has been a good ride lately.  I’ve seen my friends A LOT.  Chilled with a wide variety of people.  and I think I was to throw a party.  Maybe in the spring when it gets nice outside.  I’m truely blessed with the people in my life.  None of my friends have ever given up on me.  I am constantly getting love from them.  I think.  Howl at the Moon this weekend was amazing.  I’m so glad I went, but so sad that I wasn’t very social.  But what can I say, my voice was 3/4 of the way gone.  oh well.  Amanda and Rachel have been a blast lately and it’s so great that we can all go the bars together now.  on top of this, I chilled with the fam at Big Daddies the other day.  Good stuff there, really.


    It’s been called to my attention that some people think I’m an athiest.   That I don’t believe in god.  That’s not true at all.  I totally believe in a greater power.  It’s only logical.  There is a beginning of the universe and an end, so the begining had to have at least one character, the creator.  The author of this epic tale we call life.  The composer of this historic symphony.  The weaver of this mosaic tapestry.  The cook in the kitchen making the feast.  The whore on the streets making the babies.  however you want to look at it.  I do believe in this powerful being, but what I don’t believe are the constraints man has put on him or her or it.  We just don’t get the big picture yet.  None of us do.  There is no way we can comprehend or guess what we can’t see or understand.  Sure you can have faith in the words of your forefathers or religius leaders, the apostles or diplomats or prophets or whatever, but in the end there were all still just men and women who had flaws.  Who had beliefs in something.  And that’s a quality I admire.  To be able to hold on tightly to a belief is amazing, but to be able to let go, to be able to explore and question is extremely brave to me as well.  random rant there, sorry.


      I can think of 3 guys i’m interested in right now.  One of them called me twice this weekend to talk. That’s amazing to me.  I’m so easily pleased.


    and last but not least, i’ve realized i’m doing it again.  and I realized it because of my hair.  My hair.  It’s getting long.  It’s getting sloppy and I’m just not caring about it, and i know this sounds trivial, but it means something is going on with me and i have three words that i am going to try extensively to focus on for the next week.  JUST SAY NO!


*EDIT EDIT*  I’ve just come back in from a walk and my mind just flowed freely while I was out there, thought I’d share what i came up with.


 – I create my best songs when I’m just making them up on the spot and not writing.  Just humming a tune, then adding in the story.
– I want to send in an advertisment for myself to this agency as a creative endeavor.  Always Different Acronyms in Mind.
– Walking at night makes you look like your up to no good, esspecially when you’re wearing a black sweat shirt.
– I stop being friends with people when they don’t seem to need me anymore.
– I will never be suprised if I see a clown standing down inside a sewer drain.  Thanks a lot IT
– Windchimes are creepy and beautiful at the same time.
– When I go on my “walks” I always go on the same route.  It’s a penance for something I did a long time ago.
– My favorite boy band was probably 98 degrees.  I really liked “Hardest Thing” and “Invisible Man”.
– I want two dogs named Jubilee and Zoso.

Telephones


you say hello, and I hang up the phone
a little after, I realize that I’m still alone
it’s all new to me, having someone follow rules
I’m patterned after something made of burning blues
So if I seem to spiral, grab a hold of something
If I’m a naieve child, then hold my hand and help me


CHORUS:  you have a job now you know
It’s to lift me out of this damn hole
you showed me something I’d not seen before
so teach me all you know, teach me all you don’t
you have a job now you know
so don’t quit on me, don’t go.


I say hello, please don’t hang up the phone
I had a dream, but I woke up in a war zone
my façade is fading, what’s the use in waiting
take off my mask and see the sidekick you’ve been dating
So I’m not a hero, but still hold on tight to me
cause I can’t fall anymore, there’s nothing lower than me


CHORUS


I’m not at all who I’d like to be
I’m just some broken down machinery
these gears have spun this way before
and nothings changing but my torn up mind
seems to always find, some hope to climb up on


CHORUS


please say hello, please say you know.

          “He has a good heart, he is a good person, I think he can still be saved.”   What is that supposed to mean?  How can one person be so fulfilling for you, but so gut wretchingly cruel at the same time?  I mean, don’t you get it?  Why is it so bad?  How can you respect or follow this way of life when it is so contradictory.  I’m a good person, but i’m most likely going to rot in hell.   I’m sorry, but I have no understanding of why some greater power who has the ability to create the cosmos would give a shit about who I sleep with.  seriously.  If he’s that petty then why did he create diversity?  Why create us at all?  And what on earth makes you think you’re so right about everything?  Why do you think your certain religion has it all figured out absolutely?  Ordinary men came up with your religion just like all the rest.  Ordinary men who aren’t perfect, who have flaws, who makes mistakes and who can be petty and judgemental.  

            The cast was set, the agenda was planned, and the costumes…..lets just say I took 6 pairs of shoes.  You never know what you’re going to need when you visit Muncie.  The home of Ball Sate University and a slew of old memories.  The whole crew united for a special reason, the return of Aubrie “Queen of the Zeppelin” Aurand.  Beth “Safety Dance” Harsany, Patrick “Strictly Straight” Irish, Lindsey “GAP Princess” Schuyler, David “my 309 husband” Greenwalt, Lindsey “Big boobs, great laugh” Kinder, Brian “insert random comment” Wilsom, Andrew “photographer hottie” Brooks, Kevin “the other cute twin” Brooks, Geoff “Step-Dad” Ray, Anna “the snake charmer” Frasier, Sarah “Adam doesn’t know her last name” 😦  Mike “I’m good in bed” Sierra,  and Jacob “Hot and High” Fike.  Anyhow, these people, plus a few extra’s, helped make Adam “Life in statsis” Moschell’s weekend become a damn good party.   I have so much say about it all……


     Your face popped up and I couldn’t help but miss it.  Endless laughs, outrageous comments, and of course plenty odd moments where we realized that one night can fuck up a lot of stuff but still be recovered from.


    If I only had a vag…..i’d be crazy style on you.


    You taught me how to bong a beer, a trait which is on the third page of my resume.  thank you so much, we don’t see each other enough.


    We are so over it.  and to be honest, i can’t believe we fell.  Oh well.  Sorry to have leeched to that dream forever.  I’ll always know that you want the best for me and would never forget about me.  thanks.


    Hi, it’s been a while.  I hope you know it’s just how I let go of my sexual frustrations.  I’ve been single forever, literally, and you’re awfully close and accepting of our relationship.  I’m still holding out to get lucky one day.  lol, i am pathetic, laugh it up.


    We could live on an island together and never stop talking.  It was great to see you, though slightly odd.  Are you sure everythings going ok?  You seemed off a bit.  I’m here for you.  Lots of love.


    I guess it’s just a realization at times.  Not a bad one, just a new side.  It’s all good.  We’ve got a long way to go together.  I’m excited to keep learning more about you and growing up with you.


    You have a talent and it’s beauty.  Please keep being you and remember, you could have it if you tried to get it. 


      We probably have way more in common then we’ll ever know.  I think that’s why I shy away.


    When i met you it was an added bonus, and you’ve yet to let me down.  Hillarious and always caring.  Plus, you have stones.  Not everyone can lug a couch up three flights of stairs while being drunk and high.


     I think you were starring back at me when i was having my moment with you.  You’ve peaked my interest.  I think you should give them up.


    I’ve honestly missed you more then i thought i ever could.  It’s insane, really, to see how time changes everything.  I’m really proud of you and I hope to be all big in the business one day.  We’ll be doing lunch and stuff i bet.


    Your learning a lot right now i think.  And growing up some more.  I’m sorry about everything.


     Still very original and very yourself.  Don’t change, but do move on from her.  She’s busted.


…………………..and that’s what i thought about it all.  Catch on the flip side dudes!

Thieves and Hearts


What do I want from you, oh boy
You’re asking far to many questions
It’s really just some clever ploy
to get some very honest affection
all I wanted was a best friend
who’d be better then the best
all you needed was a loose end
to find your way back to the nest


CHORUS: I know I’m coming on strong
but your not rejecting all my pleas
I feel like it’s coming along
going through motions to get to the steal
of your heart, it’s a start,
even thieves must start with somebody’s heart


What do I want you to say, oh boy
it doesn’t matter I’m faster with replies
I try my best to always annoy
but you perceive it as trying to get a ride
over and under, you follow me
like lightning and thunder, it’s chemistry
people are talking
we’re both on their minds


CHORUS


I put a picture of you above my desk
at night I sleep uncomfortably, I cannot rest
because I’m alone, I still have this goal
it’s an emotional toll that looks just like you


CHORUS

Ground rules: the first player of this “game” starts with the topic “5 weird habits of yourself”, and people who get tagged need to write a xanga entry about their 5 weird habits and state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names. don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you’ve been tagged” in their xanga and tell them to read yours

1.) when taking a shower, I always wash my hair first. the logic here is there when i wash my hair, all the grease/dirt/alcohol in it runs down my body and gets all over me, so if i wash my self from the top to bottom, then i get rid of all the grim completely.

2.) Whenever I order a cheeseburger from work, I always eat the outside of the burger first and then get full. I never eat the cener of the burger just because i think the more crisp outer edge tastes a lot better.

3.) i never set my alarm clock for normal times. instead of 9:00 i’ll opt for 9:03 or 8:56. i used to do it because i claimed it suprised me when it went off at the random time, now i know that’s bullshit and i just do it out of habit.

4.) my oddest habit of all is the fact that i only find myself attracted to guys who are…well…not gay. it’s stupid, but just natural for me. i think it’s the only way i really know how to love, when i’m not recieveing anything back. it makes me feel selfless.

5.) whenever i drink bottled beer i always keep the caps in my pockets. so i can see how many i drank the next day.

The last 24 hours have been extremely unsettling.  It all started with cosmic bowling with my friend Amanda.  We had invited other people, but it was just the two of us at first.  She beat me three times, which was just mind boggling.  I’m better then that.  Then this kid from work Andrew shows up, and Amanda’s crazy friends.  we bowl more, i have a total of 4 beers, we go to Amanda’s apartment.  Here Andrew is becoming oddly attractive to me, and then i begin to vomit.  But while I’m vomiting i hear Amanda’s friend Stephanie telling Andrew he looks like a charpae.  I felt bad for him, he’s never hung out with us before and now he’s attacked.  I needed to quite puking and go chill with him.  But i kept puking.  All night.  it was uncalled for and out of no where.  I only had four beers.  I’m conviced it was food poisoning from the fries i ordered from the bowling alley.  I wake up on Amanda’s couch an hour before i am suppose to be at work.  I race home, and fall asleep.  Why did I fall asleep?  I am an idiot.  I call work to tell them i will be late.  I get in the shower to wake up.  I get clean, i go to my room, sit down for a minute and fall asleep again.  I wake up at 2:15 pm.  My shift was from 10:45 – 4:30.  I call Amanda who says no one’s said much about me not showing up.  I don’t call work, i was afraid of what they’d say to me.  My throat hurts all day from throwing up i think, so i play lots of Pac Man plug and play, taking it low key.  I watch a movie and get inspired to finish writing my book again. I eat a little dinner, but don’t have much appetite.  Plus my throat still hurts.  I watch a second movie, a bad movie and while i’m putting it in i notice my ring which i thought i’d lost on New Years is sitting behind a Zeppelin CD on my TV stand.  groovy.  Maybe that’s sign that everything will be ok?  Maybe.