he calls to see if i can hang out tonight.  this is how the conversation starts.  it ends with him telling me the discussion of what exactly is going on here is making him feel sick.  I don’t know what to think here.  Bipolar?  Inner turmoil?  Confusion?  A sick joke?  I am so at a loss of ideas, or concepts as to how this is all running through is mind.  and all i can do in my own defense is hide behind liquor.  it’s ridiculous really.  My goals right now are to sober up for a bit, stand up for myself, and work on getting another interview more diligently.  I need something to spark hope or optimism into my life.  Otherwise it will continue to be the hellacious mess it is now.


and through all of this shit, i still care about him.  I dont’ want to hurt him or lead him down a path of destruction or anything.  i just want to understand him and be part of his life really.  and i want to be held.  and ok, i really enjoyed the kissing too, but whatever.  This song keeps coming to mind, so i downloaded it.  i like the words for this moment in my life.


Sway by Bic Runga


Don’t stray, don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown, let me down
I say it’s all because of you


And here I go, losing my control
I’m practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn’t seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it’s time to tell you why
I say it’s infintely true

CHORUS:
Say you’ll stay, don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there’s no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired – I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

CHORUS TWICE

It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It’s time to tell you why, I say it’s infinitely true

CHORUS TWICE

It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

      Secrets.  They’re not something I find incredibly exciting, because often times the secret is being kept from me.  I won’t lie, I’m not exactly the most trust worthy person when it comes to a juicy story or some jaw dropping info.  It moves the plot along to have people like me just informing everyone else what is going on.  I understand the need for secrecy on some delicate issues, and I understand what it means to use discretion when talking about stuff, but when it comes down to it, I just really don’t see the point.  A secret should be something terribly shameful that no one else should know about.


    I’ve had my share of secrets, but nothing I didn’t eventually just come out with entirely.  And last night I kept thinking to myself, what is my secret?  Do I have any personal secrets right now?  I can’t think of anything too dramatic.  And I like it that way.  Having something bottled up inside can feel like you’ve just had too many chilupas at taco bell, but now your constipated.  That’s just a bloated mess.


      So I don’t like secrets, I don’t keep secrets, I don’t have secrets, but suddenly I am a secret.  And this adds a whole new dimension to the equation.  The recently over played radio song by the All-American Rejects is called “Dirty Little Secret”, and while pop punk usually isn’t a genre I find myself enjoying, this song just rings true for me.  To top it all off, the video for the song features post cards which all have secrets.  And it’s no coincidence that Beth loves www.postsecret.com, a website devoted to secrets annonimously being put on post cards. 


     So it’s like, I’ve been plastered to a note card, hung up with no name, and while everyone knows what’s up, it’s still something taboo and not supposed to be known.  And how does the other person in this situation feel?  He’s keeping me a secret, so there must be a logical fear, or reasoning for doing this.  I’ve never been in his place.  I was never so embarassed about this sort of thing.  And to be honest it makes me somewhat irritated to be camflouged.  I’m not being denied or forgotten, just dressed up and made unnoticable.  And maybe that’s why I felt like I had to shout about it.  Maybe I needed to feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of some emotion.  I had to let something out.  The emotional constipation was just too much.  But now I’ve gone and just crapped out everything I had and basically dumped it all on him.  That’s not fair.


    I fucked up.  And I’m sorry.  It wasn’t fair of me to tell anything to anyone, and I wish I hadn’t.  But it’s the nature of me.  I’m an open book for the most part, and that’s something I love about myself.  But I can see now that I needed to be considering more then myself, taking care of you and not just my inflated ego.  2 weeks ago, I really thought something was changing for me.  I hope it still does.

– Your the first person I’ve kissed in almost two years


– Did you ask for forgiveness afterward


– I secretly wanted you to keep your glasses on


– What motivated all this


– Do you know how stupid I feel


– I hadn’t cried over anything in a while


– I have been happier in the last 5 days then I’ve been in months


– The last few days have been horrible


– Your girlfriend would hate me

there was nothing in the world that i ever
wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world that i ever
wanted more than to never feel the breaking
apart all my pictures of you


– the cure –

Heartbreaker


I can hear it falling, outside my window.
there’s a rain storm that’s began to fall
I was waiting for this sort of window of opportunity
I’m seeing now that it’s not what I thought at all
I can’t remember when my life’s been so exciting
I can’t remember that last time I felt this good
I can’t remember the last time my heart broke this hard


I can hear it coming from a million miles away
Your multi-sided, always changing with the waves
I doubt this passion is something that can stay
but I’m inviting you back, I think I still want to play
this game is something I’ve been craving
this game is something that you would do to me
this game is something that will make my heart break hard


do you want to skip this and go to the punch
maybe, baby, we can kiss and make up
you could come to me, and let me win this time
but then I doubt it’d be as fun as what i know i’m gonna find


I can hear you telling me that you have to go
I knew you would but inside it starts to slowly
fall to piece, slowly crumble and flow away
my heart’s been broken, it has perforated edges
I guess it’s ok to let myself be let down
I guess it’s ok to let myself be let down
I guess it’s ok to let myself be let down
I guess it’s ok to let my heart break hard.

i know i know, i need to update, and i promise i will within the next week.  i just have a lot going on.  I mean, working 45 plus hours a week, reading far too many comics and dating Bud Lite thakes a lot out of me.