he calls to see if i can hang out tonight.  this is how the conversation starts.  it ends with him telling me the discussion of what exactly is going on here is making him feel sick.  I don’t know what to think here.  Bipolar?  Inner turmoil?  Confusion?  A sick joke?  I am so at a loss of ideas, or concepts as to how this is all running through is mind.  and all i can do in my own defense is hide behind liquor.  it’s ridiculous really.  My goals right now are to sober up for a bit, stand up for myself, and work on getting another interview more diligently.  I need something to spark hope or optimism into my life.  Otherwise it will continue to be the hellacious mess it is now.

and through all of this shit, i still care about him.  I dont’ want to hurt him or lead him down a path of destruction or anything.  i just want to understand him and be part of his life really.  and i want to be held.  and ok, i really enjoyed the kissing too, but whatever.  This song keeps coming to mind, so i downloaded it.  i like the words for this moment in my life.

Sway by Bic Runga

Don’t stray, don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown, let me down
I say it’s all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I’m practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn’t seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it’s time to tell you why
I say it’s infintely true

Say you’ll stay, don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there’s no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired – I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon


It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It’s time to tell you why, I say it’s infinitely true


It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you


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