Like most tragedies that occur in the world, I blame religion for this one. Human beings are such complex structures. We endure so much to attain so little. We ignore shrapnel being stuck through our hearts, we accept long nights where no one cares about us in that way we need, we apologize constantly for not living up to what we should be. But there comes a time when you just can’t handle this anymore. Your heart, your mind, your body just can’t take it. My heart, my mind, my body….they’ve all just had it. 
           In March of this past spring I started seeing a guy who I had fancied for a while. It wasn’t anything conventional, but more like two friends, always laughing, always having fun, and then randomly screwing around in bed. After two months of this, I became a little more invested. I was actually telling myself that this could be a serious relationship. Of course the world turned, the sun descended and he left me in a state of purgatory where I was saddened by his departure, angry at the abruptness, confused as to who was to blame and just downright disappointed at myself for letting my emotions roam free. To top it all off he called me one final time and told me I was on a path of destruction, I was extremely unreligious, and that I would rot in the firey pits of hell.
           This was May 5th, and yet a part of me thought he’d return someday. He had given me the arguments of my lifestyle VS his religion before. I just didn’t care. I moved on, I slowly got over him, I was doing good. And aside from random drunk texts I sent to him a few times over the summer, we didn’t communicate. Then it happened. He responded to one so random drunk text in September. 4 and a half months later. He said he missed hanging out with me, that he wanted to come visit. I told him he should, and we set a date. He was afraid to stay with me at first due to my “homoerotic stalking” so I told him he could sleep on the couch. We planned for a week or so, and we talked for several on the phone. He then randomly texted me at work on this past Sunday. He wasn’t going to be able to come because he needed to preach at his church. He had to put church before partying.  I called his bluff, told him he was full of shit. He says “Adam, what happened is God spoke to me. He said if I went down to visit you that the enemy would destroy my spirit!
             And so I am the enemy. I am the anti-christ. The demo-god. Satan. Lucifer. The devil himself. Well you know what, choke on my fire and brimstone you deluded freak. Don’t play games with my emotions, don’t bait me along, don’t act like you are doing the right thing by being plainly rude. You are immature, hypocritical, a total zealot and a massively uncaring, unthinking, unforgivable asshole. So have fun with your God. Have fun with your boring little life. But please, just leave me the fuck alone because it’s just too much for me to take anymore.

an amazingly good song that for some reason makes me think of Zach, who I miss a lot.

“I Will Follow You Into The Dark”

Love of mine some day you will die
But I’ll be close behind
I’ll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
“Son fear is the heart of love”
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It’s nothing to cry about
Cause we’ll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

And here are a few photos I am publishing to give some faces to names and so Aubs can see what my apartment looks like. 

BarAdam

This is Michelle and I hanging out at the counter/Bar, whatever you call it.  It sports Zeppelin bar stools. 

Ben

This is Ben in my kitchen.  This expression and look of confusion is probably because he doesn’t remember if we made out together or not either.

MichelleMoschell

This is Michelle in my bed.  My dad would be proud.

Brittney

And this is a shot of Brittney and I being crazy drunk.  What’s up with my togune?

         It’s seriously getting out fo control now.  The monster is harder and harder to contain.  This week I spent one night drinking a handle of Jack Daniels and hanging out with co-workers.  I got drunk and extremely high at a Ben Harper/Damien Marley show with my manager.  I did shots of Captain the next night with this new kid at work.  His name is Ben.  He is 20, has a one-month year old baby and a girl friend he’s from Ohio.  I think we may have made out, because when I woke up in the morning I didn’t remember him leaving or my going to bed and my pants were on the kitchen floor.  Saturday wasn’t much better.  I went bowling with co-workers, got pretty drunk, then smoked out with my friend Amanda.  The next day, Sunday, yesterday, my sister had a wedding reception at my parents house.  I blasted myself with Crown Royal and beer, had to be taken home by my sister, went to my place of employment, drank more, smoked with my manager and came home and passed out.  Today I slept till three, ate lunch, read comics, and now here I am.  I can remember when my life was much more interesting then just being continually fucked up, but apparently that’s just no longer int he cards for me.  I don’t know why I’m drinking so much, other then boredom and lonliness.  I want to remember going to bed.  I want to feel like people look at me with respect and see me as someone they’d want to be, but they don’t look at me, except for as a fool.  I’m not stupid ya know.  It’s embarassing to be me at times.