It’s seriously getting out fo control now.  The monster is harder and harder to contain.  This week I spent one night drinking a handle of Jack Daniels and hanging out with co-workers.  I got drunk and extremely high at a Ben Harper/Damien Marley show with my manager.  I did shots of Captain the next night with this new kid at work.  His name is Ben.  He is 20, has a one-month year old baby and a girl friend he’s from Ohio.  I think we may have made out, because when I woke up in the morning I didn’t remember him leaving or my going to bed and my pants were on the kitchen floor.  Saturday wasn’t much better.  I went bowling with co-workers, got pretty drunk, then smoked out with my friend Amanda.  The next day, Sunday, yesterday, my sister had a wedding reception at my parents house.  I blasted myself with Crown Royal and beer, had to be taken home by my sister, went to my place of employment, drank more, smoked with my manager and came home and passed out.  Today I slept till three, ate lunch, read comics, and now here I am.  I can remember when my life was much more interesting then just being continually fucked up, but apparently that’s just no longer int he cards for me.  I don’t know why I’m drinking so much, other then boredom and lonliness.  I want to remember going to bed.  I want to feel like people look at me with respect and see me as someone they’d want to be, but they don’t look at me, except for as a fool.  I’m not stupid ya know.  It’s embarassing to be me at times.

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