It’s not a big deal, but something that I think about every once in a while.  My mother came into Big Daddies as I was switching out drawers with Paula (my relief bartender) yesterday evening.  I paid for her two beers, I ordered one of my own.  It was this new Micro-Brew called Cider Jack.  I just wanted to try it for merchandising purposes.  I need to be the best bartender I can be after-all.  It was a great choice actually, and it reminded me of my old affection for Apple Juice.  Anyhow, my mother asked me how things were and I told her great.  That was a lie.  I went on to talk abotut he new Zeppelin curtain/tapestry thing I am getting fo rmy room, I told about Patrick’s new part-time job, I told her about my friend Amanda’s continuing relationship with an older man and that was about it.  She proceeded to tell me bits and pieces of a story about how my Dad announced outloud in front of people at the bar the previous evening that he was her savior and she would be no where without her.  She of course retaliated saying she was in fact, the best that had happened to him and that if not for her he’d be a loser like the rest of his family. 

      Now this is where the not so big of a deal thing comes in.  See this fight was something very close and personal to my mother.  She had a lot of emotion behind it and she shared it with me like it was nothing but some little gossip tale.  She reached out to me in a way I guess, wanted to let me in to be part of her life.  I on the other hand agreed with her and then ran out of stories I could tell her about other people.  I told her stories about other people and inanimate objects all night.  I guess, I just can’t tell her my own stories.  I can’t connect with her that way because god knows why.  Maybe I am embarassed, maybe I am bored with my stories.  I don’t know.  I’ve become increasingly desperate for male attention lately, I could share that with her.  I could tell her that I have a drinking problem, she could relate.  I could tell her that when it comes down to it I am more alone then I have ever been. 

        I am such a broken mess.  and i wish I could just tell her that.  but I can’t.  I am the strong one who never needs anyone.  All I’ve ever needed was apple juice and comics.

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