I thought I’d finish my day of work off with a Xanga entry.  I’ve been trying to take some steps towards improving my life.  I went out and bought a bunch of groceries and swore off fast food for the week.  I don’t have any money, so I am intentionally just watching TV and hanging out at my apartment, getting things done like organzing my iPod, beating some video games and just relaxing.  I am 4 days sober, which isn’t a lot to most people, but for me that’s pretty unbelieveable.  I need to be saving money, that’s the cause of all these changes.  I am doing well so far, planning my way out of total poverty.  I talked to the managers at Uno’s who said I could come back to work, but I am still waiting on them to contact me and tell me when I get to start.

       Work at my Big Kids Job has been ok, but nothing overly exciting.  I still feel like I am working somewhere that I hate.  I don’t care about what I do, I don’t have a fun time at work.  I don’t like the people, I get paid VERY little which no one seems to believe.  It’s a non-profit organization for crying out loud.  After taxes I make $9.61 an hour!  How am I supposed to be living on this?  It’s ridiculous.  I applied for a few new positions but i haven’t heard anything and I don’t really expect to.  I am just not optimistic.  It sounds horrible, but I had a much better life when I was waiting tables and working 50 – 60 hours a week.  I was never tired like I always am now, I spent more time with people doing things, I smiled a lot more and I was never so poor that I had to isolate myself from society for a week.

        Today I read someone else’s Xanga from start to finish.  It was insane.  This guy just rambled on about how he drank all the time, wrecked multiple vehicles while intoxicated, got arrested, had premiscuous sex, came out of the closet (though when his “curently listening to” selections were always Janet Jackson I kind of guessed).  In the end, he left Purdue, he switched to IUPUI was diagnosed as a manic depressive and got AIDS.  How horrible.  I look at my life and see some crazy things that have happened to me but I have managed to hold on to somethings. 

        Anyway, I feel extremely distant from everyone, probably because I ‘ve shoved everyone away or become something they don’t want to associate with.  I miss who I used to be, but you can’t really go back in time and making up time with friends is tough.  I need a fresh start ya know.  I need to get out of dodge, check out some other city.  I need to move and become my own person, meet some people, maybe be active in a gay community (doubtful).  But most of all I feel like I just need a hug.   


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