In 20 days i’ll be in the real world.  Shit

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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  , Some nights, it just hurts.  It hurts to waste every thought on someone who doesn’t care.

SO I figured it was time for a personal update. Lets start with what happened over break. Wednesday was fairly typical as I drove home in the afternoon accompanied by Brian Wilson. We chatted about what not and the time flew by. After dropping him off I headed to the south side of Indy to my humble home. I was enraged when I pulled onto my street to discover that my down-the-road neighbor had decided to fully decorate his yard this Christmas. He has always done this since I was a kid, but the last few years he has laid off with the over the top decorating due to back problems. I called them a gift from god, but apparently god left coal in my stocking this year because he took the old guys back problems away, allowing for the displaying of ALL the guys decorations this year. Plus the new ones he has amounted since the “back-pains” began. I wouldn’t’ be mad if it was just a few lights, but it’s not. It’s 14 plastic Santa’s of varying races. It’s 10 Frosties, all with corn cob pipes and lights up carrot noses. it’s countless ginger bread houses, a plethora of candy canes and so many fucking strands of lights that they look the result of one of god’s plagues that he sent down in the bible. (two bible references in the first tangent, whew). I hate it. And not to be Scruge-esque, but it’s just too much. It’s tacky. and it blocks traffic on the street. Although there is nothing better then my mom flipping off a van full of children who want to see Christmas lights. but screw them.

I spent Wednesday doing errands, buying checks, buying comics, cleaning the house for mom and just general catching up at home. It was followed by a dinner with my two sisters at O’Charlie’s where our waitress said, “Mmmmm, Yummy” every time she set down a plate. The cow. Later that night I played X-Men Legends (yes, I took it home with me from school. I am addicted) and then I went to bed. Actually my mom made me go to bed at 12:00am so I’d be rested for Thanksgiving. What am I 10?

The actual holiday itself was quite calm with everyone asking what I’d be doing after school and my popping open Bud Lights continually through the day. The highlights included my me flipping turkey guts into my Mom’s hair on accident, my grandmother telling us all about her feminine heat pad she was wearing and my the little kids (ages 2 – 11) telling me I couldn’t play with them because I was too old. The brats. I hate kids. The food was good, the family drunk on wine, and the cousins all decided to have late night bonding with beer and board games. We played “Scene It” and my crazy cousin Nicole made cheap shots at my little sister. Nobody makes fun of my little sister except me. Nobody. The night ended with having a refreshing talk with my cousin Lindsey who recently graduated. I felt a lot better about life in general. Thanks Linds.

Friday I awoke to a tapping on my bedroom door and a high pitched, “Hello, is anyone home?” I opened the door fresh out of bed to find my 4-year-old cousin Jacob standing there. He said my little sister, who was babysitting him, had gone back to bed and he wanted me to play with him. We played pool, X-Men Legends, read some comics, listened to Led Zeppelin and played Hacky Sack. I guess kids aren’t so bad when they aren’t calling you old. Anyway, this play-time was followed by Christmas Tree shopping with my mom. We went to Loews, Ayres, Meijer and Target, but Cheri found no trees living up to her standards. She only accepts the best. With this shopping failure, we sadly headed home where we proceeded to set-up our old tree. After getting it standing, my mom went to the Pacer’s game and I went to see a movie with Shellby. A quick visit to Amber’s, extra butter on the popcorn and then the movie was starting. It was awesome.

Kinsey is about the life of a scientist from Indiana University who did studies on sexual behavior. He collected first hand testimony and then wrote a book about men’s sex behaviors, he also created a scale to measure where men landed between straight and gay on the spectrum. It’s called the Kinsey scale. Kinsey then wrote a book about female behaviors, but was looked down upon for photographing some women naked and having videos to use as research. He was trashed basically. Anyway, the highlight of the movie was that it talked about people meeting others who they loved and how sex was such a small part of it all. He is right I think. Love is just awesome. And it doesn’t matter if it’s with same sex or opposite sex, it’s just a connection when you know someone deeply. It’s awesome.

After narrowly being mugged at Taco Bell and having a laugh session with Shellby, Jack came over to my house to shoot pool and have some beers. We both got a bit tipsy and watched TV, but Jack fell asleep on my couch. I woke him up and told him I was going to bed. I think he was mad that I was making him drive home drunk. Maybe I was wrong though. I wasn’t concerned really.

Saturday was tree decorating day, as the day before the tree was just set up bare. Mom flipped out over lights not working. She screamed “fuck” at least 20 times and ripped lights off the tree with a vengeance. She is a professional though and the materials she had to work with were just sub-par. She took a week long Christmas Tree decorating class when she worked at Target, and Tree Decorating is not a degree to mess with. Mom knows her tree business. Dad even came up to watch her freak out, though secretly I think he just loves the Christmas music. The night came fast and headed back to BSU where something in my house kept beeping every ten minutes and no one was around to spend quality time with me.

Sunday was spent with Aubs watching Oliver and Company and later giving Nick birthday goodies. He said my gift was “stellar” which I was glad about. I wasn’t sure if he would like it or not. But I guess he did. The day concluded with Long John Silvers, a group meeting, Desperate Housewives and now this Xanga. So what does it all mean?

Well emotionally it was a weird weekend. There was an odd sense of family appreciation for all four members of my family and even some of the exterior relatives. It was nice to feel like I was at home. My distance from my everyday friends was also odd as I kept wanting to see them every day. I think about some people way too much, so even when they aren’t around they are still always with me basically. I guess the break just made me feel human. It made me feel like there are other people in the this world that I need to start appreciating more and maybe telling them what they mean to me. I love my friends so much, and it kills me that I have to leave Ball State soon to start my work-force life. I don’t feel ready, and I don’t feel like I will be able to leave my friends and keep my sanity. Will I still talk to them? I hope I will. Will they miss me? I think so. It’s like, sometimes I feel that no one will ever know me. But then I remember my friends and I know that I am already known. Thanks guys.

So I’m a sap sometimes, but I still love Shetland Ponies, Apple Juice (though Pitch Black Mountain Dew is really working it’s way up the charts), and yes, 309 still rules. Along with 301, 303 and 1212. Keep it real Xanga-teers.       

    

No one will know me

It’s shining brightly through my window
waking me from some old storm
I can’t recall if I lost it all in the end though
or if it’s waiting in some hidden form
you can’t believe the things they say
because they’re keeping theirs inside
but if you want to know my way
would we be there side by side

Cause I feel like there is no one who will ever know me
I don’t know if I will ever let emotions close again
I remember feeling safe when ever your around me
but what I know is that I’m stuck with rules that I can’t bend

I’m tied onto some rusted anchor
dragging slowly through the sand
the water rushes as it pushes me to anger
or is it just misery in the palm of my hand
I don’t understand the meaning of solutions
I just understand what I need from you
can you let me in to clear up this confusion
or will I stand outside the door of truth

Cause I feel like there is no one who will ever know me
I don’t know if I will ever let emotions close again
I remember feeling safe when ever your around me
but what I know is that I’m stuck with rules that I can’t bend

it’s just one more restless lullaby I know
but it’s helping me for one more moment
do you know the way it feels to loose forever
maybe I just love the challenge and the torment

Cause I feel like there is no one who will ever know me
I don’t know if I will ever let emotions close again
I remember feeling safe when ever your around me
but what I know is that I’m stuck with rules that I can’t bend

What is wrong with me?  Madonna?  I am sick, truely sick, but i have listened to this song like 87 times today.

Crazy For You

Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smokey air
Can’t you feel the weight of my stare
You’re so close but still a world away
What I’m dying to say, is that

I’m crazy for you
Touch me once and you’ll know it’s true
I never wanted anyone like this
It’s all brand new, you’ll feel it in my kiss
I’m crazy for you, crazy for you

Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all

Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I’m deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you’ll see

I’m crazy for you
Touch me once and you’ll know it’s true
I never wanted anyone like this
It’s all brand new, you’ll feel it in my kiss
I’m crazy for you, crazy for you

It’s all brand new, I’m crazy for you
And you know it’s true
I’m crazy, crazy for you

Job Search 2004 is on folks, and so far i am horrible at it.  I have talked to a few people who have ideas as to where i should go, but i just can’t decide.  my attempts so far have been to apply at Marvel Comics for EVERY opening they have, I applied at Wizard Magazine for a researching position where they use Application Extender, the program i use at my job now, and i applied at Monarch Beverages to sell, promote and distibute Miller Brewing products.  I also a meeting coming up to discuss Grad school. I don’t know if that’s a realistic option, and i am kind of ready to get out of school, but i will check it out and see what it has to off at least.

   So tonight i did something odd.  I turned down a cruise.  I didn’t want to smoke.  I just didn’t feel like being high.  I wanted to just sit around and do nothing and be me.  I wanted to be able to think clearly later and recall all of it the next morning.  It was a good step for me. 

    I hate monsters that eat my friends

    

So it really bothers me that the number one question everyone is asking me these days is “What are you goign to do after you graduate?”  I mean, I understand that it’s just one of those generic polite questions people ask, but still.  Obviously I am going to try and find a job with a reliable company and make enough money to pay off my loans and start my life.  I won’t lie, the option of just being a permanent alcoholic and bumbling around homeless on the streets did cross my mind, but I don’t think I could handle the smell factor or the lack of clothes.  Who could spend so much time in just one outfit as poor people do?  I can’t even spend on day in a single outfit.  And can people really expect me to know exactly what is going to happen to me?  I will let them know when it happens, just like the rest of the world including myself, all figure out at once where I am going to be.  I have options right now and they are playing out, so it’s just a game of waiting and looking for more leads.  I feel like people are expecting more of me though.  They want my to reach into my pocket and pull out my multi-colored flow chart which dictates my every move…..

22 – Finish college and start working for Monarch Beverages as a beer distributor in a college town

23 – begin to wonder why you’re still in a college town and then begin drinking your product (Miller beer) and become an alcoholic.

24 – Even your young friends are graduating, so finally move to Georgia in search of a new job and some romance (note that it takes two more years before I realistically enter the dating pool)

25 – You get a great job at a magazine critiquing people you see walking around on the streets. Everyone loves you and you meet this hot rich guy.

26 – You get caught looking at porn at work and are fired and your boyfriend decides he isn’t gay anymore and now hates you.

27 – my little dog which I bought as a replacement for my boyfriend dies, and my job as a manager at a grocery store provides about as much entertainment as herpes.

28 – At the age of 28 you’re still a virgin and hate your life. You have a crisis and call all your old crushes, begging one of them to finally be gay and love you.

29 – You get really drunk, sell everything you own on e-bay and begin walking across the country in an attempt to be inspirational

29 and one day – You are a block away from your house and you head back. All the Miller beer made you out of shape.

30 – Someone finds a manuscript of a book you began writing in college and it’s published.

31 – You get mugged by a big angry foreigner and die in the street singing Patti Smith’s “There’s a danger in loving somebody too much”

….yeah, a bit extreme, but at least i got published right?

I won’t write down the words that I wanted to say
Just lines that are dull, predictable and played
you don’t believe that I could be so foolish
everyone believes I’m mad, insane
I can’t see the reasons why, I’ll prove it
if you give me time to gain my thoughts
those words I won’t write down this time, I’ll say

and that was yesterday, but I’ve not spoke a line at all
I can’t recall the way
there’s nothing left to do, so I just think of you again
I can’t recall just when
I knew I could not just say no
and that was yesterday, that I began the end of all I know

After spending the day researching obesity in children, I took a break from my studies to attend a viewing of a recently debuted show at the LP.  Desperate Housewives not only entertained me for a full hour, but it made me realize that my dream is to be a Desperate Housewife.  I already have half the qualities down.  I am fashionable, bitchy, stand up for myself, love to coordinate drama, like a good old fashioned mystery and enjoy being with my friends.  All I need is a husband and a posse of neightborhood whenches to become one of the few, the proud, the housewives.  I think in the long run I’d be a great housewife, with my obsessive cleaning, my longing to please whomever I have feelings for and my ability to socialize on a super-human level.  I could totally pull the act off.  My biggest problem will be finding a man who wants a housewife.  Does the breed still exist who wants to go out and work while their spouse takes care of all the matters at home?  Probably not.  But I can search for it.  I’m a stickler for keeping at unattainable goals.

So I just watched Girl Interrupted.  I read the book a while back and loved it, so I figured I’d give the film version a try.  It is a really good movie, but there is something about dealing with the psychological aspects of being crazy that just makes me think far more then I should.  I have been thinking about what’s going to happen here in a few weeks when I leave Ball State, and it’s terrifying to be honest.  I’m not good at just jumping out there and getting started.  I am the kid who has to walk around the pool and dip my toe in a thousand times before I just jump.  It’s just how I work.  I need to know I will be safe.  I need the safety net of facts that tell me what the results will be. 

   Last night was a really good night spent with my friends.  Nick, Geoff, Beth and I just chilled and had some drinks, which are my favorite sorts of evenings.  I would be nothing with out my friends.  Frienship to me is right under love.  It’s something that can never be replaced or faked without someone knowing.  It’s something can’t be destroyed if it’s genuine.  Perhaps tht’s why I always get the two so intertwined.  For me love someone, I have to have just been their friend first.  and in my situation it’s rotten because my friends aren’t gay.  and I am always curious about this weakness of mine, if it scares my guy friends.  Do they sit around and wonder who I will be “in love” with next?  I don’t know.

And do you ever wonder if your a good person?  I have never looked at myself as evil or mean.  I just look at myself as someone who is struggling to hide his weaknesses.  I look at myself as someone who is always ready to defend themselves if I have to.  Too many times in life I have had to.  I’m not very approachable, I’m not a very intimate person, I don’t even like being hugged very much. 

I don’t even know what I am Xangaing about anymore.  I feel like a moron sometimes because I get these moments where I feel like I can find a connection, find an answer if I start focusing, but it doesn’t work.  I am confused right now.  I feel like tommorrow is always going to kick my ass.  And I feel like I am just tired of being alone.  not that that’s suprising.  fuck it, i’m done here.