So I love when teachers make me feel all inspired. In my British Literature class we are currently reading Frankenstein which is truly a masterpiece. Joyce, the professor, makes it so easy to relate to. At some university, I believe she said it was in Boston, though I could be wrong, there lies the first ever cloned human embryo. It was created several years ago actually, but the scientist didn’t know what to do with it. Do you let it live? Create a new species? Do you kill it? Does it have rights? These questions plagued the scientist, but no answers came forth which made them comfortable, so they froze it. That’s right, one cloned embryo now becomes an otter pop on hiatus. Tragic. Needless to say, in Frankenstein we stumble across the creation of a man. A hideous man who is abandoned at creation and left alone. He was created, and the book actually dwells a great deal on Dr.Frankenstein’s emotions of what to do with the beast, if he should have created it, and so forth. Frankenstein was written in 1818, almost two hundred years ago. We are still trying to answer the same question which Mary Shelly asked, only this time it’s not all hypothetical.

          Further on the note of Frankenstein is his relation to the Romantic period of writing. These are people who thought differently. They just didn’t agree with those that came before them. Their parents, their kings and queens, they just seemed to have a different understanding of the world around them. I was a bit shocked to read that some Romantic heroes wrote about such relations and even compared these things to the first man, Adam, who betrayed his God and ate fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Was he not allowed to disagree with God? and if God is all knowing, and knows the fates then why did he create a man that he knew would succumb to eating the forbidden fruit? And why is it that just because Lucifer, a character who believed in different things then God was exiled from heaven? If I look at these entities as characters, as people who could exist today then it seems to me that they are just like any ruler that hates it’s minorities or those who want to rebel at all. Hitler felt the Jews were wrong and evil. He had them slaughtered, exiled to lifelessness. Could you parallel this to God and Lucifer? Or are their beings so powerful that the way of man isn’t the way of Gods. Can we not compare the acts of man to the acts of God? and if he is so above us as to not apply to our standards then why would he create an entity so miniscule compared to himself. And why would he give us the ability to loose total peace and beauty and harmony by putting a tree bearing evil fruit in our home?

         I grew up going to a Lutheran church. My grandfather was the minister and while he died when I was only 3 he still left a huge impact on my life. His remembrance alone and his preaching to the churches congregation inspired me in my youth. Lately though, it seems religious debate is around every corner for me. And with so many new discoveries being made daily about the world and where it came from, I am finding it harder and harder to trust a book which was written ages ago by a group of prophets. and faith, that thing which you need to be so indepthly Christian, it seems to be loosing a battle with facts in my mind. People have to find religion themselves I think, and I like to question and ask those who believe in God why they do and what he means for them. I can’t seem to be satisfied with the answers I find though. Could it be I am too jaded these days? I don’t think so. I think loosing my roots and rediscovering them is a great thing. I am thinking so out of scope lately that I find the mere existence of life to be a question on my daily mind.

        If I question you it’s not to argue or put you down, just to understand and maybe find what I have lost. And if nothing else, let it strengthen your bond. Not questioning your beliefs is silly, put thought towards what you stand for. At least that’s how it seems it should be to me. I guess that’s all I’ve got for now.

Borrowing Clothes

do you see me, taking this hour glass
and pouring out the sand
cause something I can’t stand is waiting for you
do you see me, watching the TV
the channels slowly scan
I crush the next beer can, while waiting for you
something comes inside the mail
a vintage thought, a fairy tale
it all unfolds to show that I can’t win

today I took my shirt and held it close to me
I understand the reservations of this deed
but I want you to know, I want you to know
that even if the story doesn’t go my way
at least my name’s still on the page
and know I’m holding that shirt still today

and as always, I started writing things
the metafiction swelled
and something I don’t know, is where you are
I can see you, your never smiling
I love that I can’t tell
what’s going through your mind, it’s where you are
and then you see her walking by
you step in pattern with her stride
and I don’t know if I should cry or cheer you on

today I took my shirt and held it close to me
I understand the reservations of this deed
but I want you to know, I want you to know
that even if the story doesn’t go my way
at least my name’s still on the page
and know I’m holding that shirt still today

something shatters like a mirror
the pieces are all crystal clear
so I can’t see them when I’m near
they slice into my toes
so I’m walking on broken glass
a story that’s been told in past
and though the pain is gone quite fast
I know effects will show, and I want you to know
I’ve never been more alone

today I took my shirt and held it close to me
I understand the reservations of this deed
but I want you to know, I want you to know
that even if the story doesn’t go my way
at least my name’s still on the page
and know I’m holding that shirt still today

do you see me, taking this hour glass
and pouring out the sand

It’s humid, I am burning up, I am dirty and sticky and thunder and lightening have just begun to appear in the sky.  It’s going to rain.  I’ve just sat and read up on my friends lives, looked at people’s Xangas, old and new entries, and it always makes me feel good.  I am often considered to be harsh and overly judgemental.  Sometimes I am, sometimes I think I just have a better understanding of life, sometimes I think I am wrong but I have carried this personality with me for so long that I have to keep up a facade.  I don’t find myself getting romantically involved with people very often, partly because I know what I want and don’t see any reasons to waste time with people who are only half of what I want.  In my Management class the other day, we talked about how young people get into all these relationships where they are hoping for change, hoping for the other person to blossom into something spectacular or hoping that they can change into what the other person wants.  Hence the high divorce rate in this country.  When it comes down to it, why would I want to start a relationship with someone when I don’t like them, just when I like the person they could be.  It makes sense to me to let that person change naturally on their own and then to come find me.  Or why would I want to change for someone else?  Maybe the new person I become won’t want the partner I have changed for. 

     I’ve had a lot of good friends over the years and I hate when I loose people.  People can just out grow each other, people can be at different points in their lives and not be able to connect, people can stop being friends because they can’t ever express themselves hole heartedly without the other person getting all pissed off.  People can realize that they are using each other, a concept that I sometimes feel is the basis of a majority of friendships, and when you’ve taken what you needed, you leave.  People can need you.  You can need those people back.  People can move away and you not talk to them, and then move back and you are best pals again, people can change and become what you wanted them to become over night, and you may realize it’s the last thing you needed. 

    I may have never been in a romantic relationship, but I know these things to be true.  Love is a wild animal, but it still lives, feeds and dies, just like the rest of us.

Item’s hanging on my wall in my bedroom:

A Led Zeppelin mural, A frame full of beer caps, a telephone, a picture of me smoking, a Led Zeppelin article from Rolling Stone, an X-Men Memrobilia lithograph, a frame shaped like a t-shirt, a notice about nerds, a diploma, a poem, a South Park version of 309, another poem, three frame – each featuring a different member of the BAP, bird lights, a mirror, a framed set of Polaroid IMAX photos, a spider-man poster, a Nightcrawler collage, a framed photo set of the Neely group, a framed photo of Beth and Patach from New Years, a framed photo of Aubrie – Patrick and Adam where they are fucked up, a framed photo of myself and 309, a framed photo of Aubs looking beautiful, a framed photo of Zeppelin, a framed photo of Nick De Sutter, a Led Zeppelin Poster, a National Sarcasm Society poster, a box of Kleenex, a Led Zeppelin CD insert, green hat, a walking cane, another walking cane, 3 Nightcrawler tradign cards, 4 CD jewel cases (green day – Almost Famous – London Sympymphony Orchestra does Kashmir, Queen), a Thespian Society certificate, a magazine clipping, a picture of Pauline, an Incredible Hulk got milk ad, a HUGE beatles poster, 9 CD covers by BNL, a super-hero calander, a Bonaroo poster, a Transformers poster, a shetland pony, an old picture of me, a picture of Pauline framed, a race car, two baby shoes, 4 bottles of alcohol filled with highlighter, 2 more CD cases (Green day, both), a wooden clock, a framed set of Bud Light caps, a BAP memrobilia frame, 2 postcards, song lyrics, a post it note from Patrick, an X-men trading card, my parents old BSU IDs, 4 mini-photos, a yellow volkswagon, 124 Snapple caps, a Plymoth Horizon label, a hub cap, 121 pictures, 3 black lights, and 41 stolen bathroom/wash hand/etc. signs.

And you have those nights sometimes where you realize that someone is more to you then you thought they were.  and yeah, it’s always a situation where it could never work.  and it’s always someone you can’t believe you like.  and he always dates this huge bitch.

So it’s one of those nights where it feels like everyone has it better then I do.  I feel so alone, like I have no one who really cares what I am doing each day.  I don’t know.  Call it whining, call it temporarily lonely, I just say give me another beer and let me be depressed tonight

Are you fucking joking? So today I went on an expedition with Beth Harsany and Josh Rose to Broadripple. The sheer annoyingness of the place made me want to rip out my own intestines and jump rope with them. Double Dutch even. The terror started on the drive there as far too many OLD people were out on the roads. Fortunately, Josh was carrying a bucket of knives in the back seat, unfortunately, I had thrown all the knives at people by the time we reached Indianapolis. Good thing Beth had back-up throwing stars in her purse.

I guess what really pisses me off about Broadripple is that there is NOTHING there. I mean seriously, half the little shops/cafes/boutiques/hell holes are shut down cause I am sure the rent was sky rocketing and that they just weren’t “trendy” enough. The owner was some ugly chick who doesn’t shave her armpits and thinks taking broken glass and sticking in candles will make her the next Todd Oldham. She’s probably a lesbian too, with unbelievably curly red hair. She cried when she got her eviction notice and then she started snorting cocaine again. bitch.

One stop in Barfripple was the big Broadripple Vintage. The name is un-original, the people who work there are deusch bags, but some of the “vintage” clothes inside are cool. I used to own this pair of green flip-flops that were all designer looking on the part my foot rested on. Like anyone sees what’s under your foot when you are wearing a fucking sandal though. Anyhow, these same sandals were at the Vintage store, even though I got them at Wal-Mart two years ago for only $2.00. Now they were marked at $12.00. Are you fucking serious?

We continued walking around the classy neighborhood, but decided places like “Three Sisters Cafe”, “Pitya” or “Cha Cha” could just blow up. I vowed to name any storm that ever rolled through there and destroyed things after myself. Then it started raining. I noticed lots of people standing under the hangovers of the buildings, even though the drizzle falling was miniscule (sp?). Most of these people has just put on their trendiest new outfit and wanted to parade around the area, possibly purchasing a coffee at StarBucks or possibly having rain fall on them and wash away their weak, painted on exteriors. Morons.

We needed escape, so we went to McDonalds, the last place where this snobby virus that was spreading would be. But NO! There is now the McCafe menu. It’s overly priced items like baguettes, bread boules (what the fuck is a boule?) and Green Chai Tea. Fuck you McDonalds for giving in to bullshit. Of course Broadripple had to go ruin something simple like McDonalds with their STD-esque trendy crap. Boo.

We left immediately making a brief stop at the north side Comic Carnival where Beth almost became the victim of a Klingon attack as she insulted one nerds cell phone ring. It was the Indiana Jones theme. Anyway, we made it home thanks to the A+ driving skills of Josh and now I am going to take a nap. Broadripple? BARF

Barenaked Lies

And so I want to be like Steven Page
Cause he like Brian Wilson is just lying bed
And I’m so tired of wanting new ideas
Cause the old ones seem more real
Then the ones that are force fed
And your lying to my face again I know
There’s a blinking light inside your eyes
Your battery is low

CHORUS:  I am watching you, cause you’ve burned me now
                  And I don’t know how to make amends for you
                  And I don’t want you to go, but that just goes to show
                  My empathy is weakening with time
                  You’re a charity for all my rhymes

And so they’ll crucify you, or so I’ve been told
I have a bone to pick with you before you go
Will I hide under this blanket, satin trimmed in shades of gold
You can trip on your own show lace,
I’ll claim karma as my own
And you’re lying to my face right now
Cause perfections always wrong
There a story that is wrapped in you
But it’s been mine all along

CHORUS

So pose for me, this last drawing
I swear it will resemble something that you want to see
So pose for me, this final masterpiece
It’s made of lies with tape and doubt and greed

CHORUS

    So it’s been a long day, though I didn’t really accomplish anything at all.  I woke up hungover from last nights drinking, not that that’s anything new, but I felt like I wasn’t suppose to be feeling like shit and that I needed to start moving in order to overcome the mind numbing trance that my bed was still calling out to me.  Anyway, i got dressed and drove to Alexandria where I deposited some money in the bank, then I drove home and started playing Donkey Kong Country which consumed my entire days basically aside from a brief trip to Wal-Mart and some roller blading, both of which were with Beth.  Aside from this, my mind has been stuck in the past today for no real reason other then I can’t help but think of old friends who I have become detached from for various reasons.  Sometimes your time with someone ends, but the things you accomplished together never dissappear.  Anyway, I did some writing and here’s what I got…

I can’t sleep tonight

and I can’t sleep tonight
cause my yesterdays aren’t done with my old soul
yeah I am deep inside
this thick whipped whirlpool, spinning out of control
and I can see her talking to me
like a monologue she says
simply that she needs some cooling
it may be a couple days

and I can’t sleep tonight
I’m laying down on glass and steel and coals
and if I scream it might
awaken someone down the hall who knows
that I can see their snide behavior
and I worship their control
I am cut out from their circle
like I never should have known

and I can’t sleep tonight
cause I see liquor bottles filled to full
and I will swim and die
amongst this thick nauseating smell
and I can see me talking slowly
all my words begin to slur
if I black out no one holds me
when I wake up it’s just one more turn

and I can’t sleep tonight
cause there’s a fire outside my window
it’s left over from a fight
from a war that has no heroes
except for one who knows my heart
and if it ends he won’t take part
in helping me to slowly start
to finally fall asleep

and I can’t sleep tonight, so perhaps you could help me….

DEPTH

So we’re allowed to mime the actions
but if we break those boundaries hell will let loose
and I can’t say this retraction
that I’ve displayed of late is anything I wanted to do
but lets allow this wheel to flatten out and be a square
and you will see that it won’t keep on rolling
it just falls as we gasp and stare

I don’t like waiting for September
you don’t like my cold blunt truths
but we both like the way we feel
when the other stops to pause and steal
that glance that proves that feelings are real
but then it dies, it lies, it kills

and I’d guess when you read this
that you’ll know it’s about you
and I won’t care about that discovery
because it’s just the truth
that while once I thought I knew the world,
I’ve learned from some old sleuth
that you can’t just jump once off the end
to know what depth can do

Reflections

I hate my reflection, my bloodshot eyes
I can’t understand these rhetorical lies
That I’ve documented slowly, only to find
They can stand on their own with out passion

I hate my reflection, Don’t let that ass in
He will drink, he will smoke and he’ll do both again
But he’ll smile when you hope that he’s been knocked on down
He’s a unicycling, flame eating, ringmaster clown

I hate my reflection because he wants me to
It’s easier to choose a movie when no one likes you
Cause you go by yourself and the seats don’t have to come in twos
And I don’t have to get so many popcorn refills

I hate my reflection when he goes to sleep
Cause he sees this warped future, this warped nightmare dream
Where he isn’t alone with this dumb flock of sheep
There are other wolves hunting as well

I hate my reflection, but don’t break that glass
Cause cracked glass looks back and smiles
Looks back and smiles while you pass
away and join the worms beneath the earth
while glass still plagues the streets
broken sharp and hungry, embedding itself deep

I hate my reflection, and I tried to flip him off
but he just flipped me off right back
and smiled and laughed and laughed and laughed

My Way

It’s the last thing that I want to hear
But I’ve gone and said it anyway
Like a rolodex that’s filled with years
I just keep flipping back to yesterday
And I know some roads only go so far
And at the end the turn is sharp
Hidden paths and trails must lead me
somewhere else though, right?

Brick by brick, I will lay
My own self-created road to take
So my yellow bricks aren’t shiny
And the stop lights can be blinding
I’m still here to stay
Brick by brick I will lay
This roller coaster track of days
And no matter where it goes
At least I know I went MY way